Tidbits of Tragedy

Tidbits of Tragedy

1. Chubble
As you all know, I signed up for a gym. What you don’t know is that Matt (my tour guide/signer-upper) was strategically sporting a tight, unbuttoned polo shirt, no doubt to display his muscles and unfortunately his chubble. See, Matt apparently has a habit of shaving his chest but had neglected to do so the past day or so which resulted in a type of 5-o’clock shadow at 9am for my never-to-be-the-same-again eyes.

2. Moron Sandwich
I always sit in the same place in Monday’s class. The order goes like this… (BJ=Brian, X=empty seat, M=Em, AG1=Annoying Girl 1, AG2=Annoying Girl 2)
wall BJ X X X M X aisle
Which is what the situation looked like at the beginning of class.
But annoying girl #1 came in 20 minutes late as she always does and again made the risky decision to sit next to me. So now the order went…
wall BJ X X X M AG1 aisle
AG1 is incapable of whispering and she earned her title of AG1 by being both annoying and stupid. She comes in and in a not so quiet voice asked, “So have we done anything yet? Was there a quiz?” She asks millions stupid questions that give me hives. Today was no different. Teacher, “…so we should avoid sending kids to the office.” AG1, “So… should we try to avoid sending kids to the office?” Groan. Shudder. Right before break annoying girl #2 comes in almost an hour late and squeezes past me to sit down. Now the order goes…
wall BJ X AG2 X M AG1 aisle
Then it’s break and I have an important decision to make. Do I stay where I am or move one seat over to sit by AG2? Which is the lesser of the two evils? I finally decide that although AG2’s questions are more frequent they are less stupid that AG1’s. So I move. The order now goes…
wall BJ X AG2 M X AG1 aisle
Then AG1 came back from break, points to the precious X now between me and her life and says, “Oh! Is anybody sitting there?” She took my shocked look of horror to mean, “Sure, have a seat” and sat down beside me. So now the order goes like this…
wall BJ X AG2 M AG1 X aisle
A moron sandwich
Why? Why? Why would you choose to sit right next to somebody when you can easily put a space between you? Especially when you’re on an isle? Why?? Why does she want to hurt me?? So, near panic attack, I began to color my CD labels trying to convince myself I was anywhere else but right there in a moron sandwich. While I had stupid in stereo. AG2, “So, do you have a syllabus for this class?” AG1, “So I see you’re drawing CD labels that say Happy Birthday Dad and Happy Birthday Mom. Is it their birthday?” So I started to ignore them. I had to. Because if I were to utter any response it would have been a cuss word. And it would have been loud.

3. AI Interruptions
I missed most of American Idol tonight because the roomful of people that insisted on coming over to #69 just because they were in charge of FHE lacked the appreciation for the show and didn’t have the respect necessary to shut their traps while the pop star wannabes did their thing. At least I got to hear Constantine do his rock star holler. That was all I needed really.

4. Release my key
Coming back from my lunch break, I pulled into the parking lot, turned my car off and took my key out. Wait, no I didn’t. My key wouldn’t come out. It was stuck. I yanked, pulled, turned, twisted, swore, made sure the break was on, checked to see it was in park, swore, yanked, turned and then drove back home to get my spare key so I could leave my stuck key in the car with a limited risk of the car being stolen (we’ve been there before, right?). When I got to my apartment lot, I tried again. And the key came right out. So I drove back to work and the key came right out. And I was 20 minutes late for work. Again.

Costco Lunch

Costco Lunch

I went to Costco today during the lunch rush. It was perfect timing because all the little ladies with hairnets were out with their mini ovens and paper cups allowing me to try a soup (which I bought), a corndog, a Take 5 Hershey bar, veggie sausage and a low-fat ice cream sandwich (which I didn't buy). It brought back fantastic memories of being a kid and running errands with my mom. I hated running errands with my mom, unless we were going to Costco. Because they fed me. I would spend all my time running from hair-netted lady to hair-netted lady. It was like trick-or-treating without the costume and the cold. And the candy. And the hair-netted ladies always fell for the ol'-I'm-grabbing-an-extra-one-for-my-brother-trick so I could have double helpings.

Some habits die hard. Which brings me back to the gym issue.

H is for Happy

I’m happy. I’ve been smiling all day because I got to see my Heather. And somehow that healed me.

Because only Heather could know how crucial it was for me to sleep in, go shopping and get my first pedicure. Only Heather could know that Donkey Konga could help mend my wrended soul.

I needed her keen fashion sense, her fantastic stories and her ability to persuade me to buy nice clothes and accessories and pink toenails.

Because Heather understands me.

And so I've been smiling all day. I didn't yell at a single student and I was even able to refrain from swearing at Stupid Question Girl who made the risky decision to sit next to me. So it was definitely worth the 20+ hours in the car by myself to drink from the healing spring of Heather.

Also, Heather looks good. Dang good. I'll be joining a gym this week...

Paper and Plastic (And Cans and Glass and Compost and Common Sense)

Kara's got a memo from the mall informing all merchants to seperate their cardboard from their trash and take them to seperate trash compactors. This way, instead of spending hundreds of thousands of dollars each year to have it taken away and put in a landfill, the mall would actually be paid over $400,000 a year if they recycle it. Makes sense, right?

But our little 17-year-old employee doesn't think it makes sense at all and risks the potential fine to our store in order to spare herself the inconvenience of throwing the cardboard into a different bin. I explained to her on Monday that the mall was serious and probably wanted their $400,000. She thought I was kidding, winked and smiled at me and shoved a few more boxes into the garbage bag. "But it's so annoying having to go to both compactors."
"But you only have to go to one or the other each night."
"Oh."
"Ya..."
"But it's still annoying. It's so stupid."
"Recycling is stupid?"
"Ya." She rolled her eyes again. She does that a lot.
"Saving the environment is stupid?"
"Oh gosh! Please!"

I went on to explain to her exactly why recycling wasn't stupid. Clear water, less landfills resulting in more liveable land for humans and animals, less air pollution, the economical benefits...
"Oh, great... what next? The Ozone layer??"
"Ya actually. You think they made that up to scare you into sorting cardboard for their own amusement?"

And then I had to walk away. Because for a moment I hated her.

Valentines Day Disaster

Last week was my first week in a new ward. I loved it. Some girl saw me sitting alone and came over to sit by me and starting asking the typical getting to know you questions. We covered the bases of where I was from, what I was studying, where I was working, blah, blah, blah. Until there was that awkward pause when all the questions have been asked and you still have to sit together. Then she turned to me and in an excited whisper she asked, "Sooooo... are you dating anybody?" And then I was unable to control my sudden burst of laughter. I laughed for three reasons... 1) The way she asked it was hillarious. Like a thirteen year old girl at a slumber party right before you start calling the boys you like and asking, "So, do you like Kate? Do you like Megan? Emily? OK, Bye!" It was adorable. 2) I had just been thinking about how pretty much every thing in my life has been going wrong and if I did have a guy in my life that relationship would be destined for disaster as well and 3) It isn't even possible for me to be dating considering the fact that I haven't met a single boy since August. The last reason is the excuse I gave to the girl to explain my laughter.

In a recent email, Julie suggested that I not overlook the "Shreks." Which I assumed to mean that I need to lower my standards on actual physical attraction.

So, this last Sunday while waiting for Sunday School to start I was looking around the room and thinking about all of these things when I saw him. Shrek. He's not hideously ugly or anything, just not somebody I was attracted to. And I thought to myself, "Self. You're not attracted to this guy. Maybe you should take Julie's advice and go talk to him." And then I smiled a big smile as I laughed at my own joke in my head because that would certainly be icing on my cake of destruction. But as I was gazing off into space laughing at my own dark humor, I just happened to be looking him in the eye which I realized when he winked at me and smiled. I did a quick smile and then looked at the floor. Crap.

There was a valentine on my front step this morning. It was made of red construction paper with a stencil of a teddy bear and heart on it done with a gel pen. Inside, a very clever gentleman made a heart out of @ signs which he had printed out, cut out and pasted inside of the card. Underneath the heart it read, "Your love is where it's at! -Love Bruce"

I frantically searched for a ward directory. Yep, Bruce and Shrek are one of the same. My sweet valentine. Maybe I too am "accidentally in love"... :o)

Letters from Home
Pre-script: My sister's driveway is really steep. Almost straight up and down kind of steep. And pretty long.

Hello Emily,

As we told you, Judy invited us over for a birthday dinner for me last night. When we arrived there, I drove up their driveway so Grandma wouldn't have to walk up the steep driveway. We told her to wait until someone could help her get out of the car. But she got out of the car by herself, fell down unto the pavement, and rolled all the way down the driveway to the street. David came running out of the house to help her.

She was able to get up on her feet with the help of David with just a few scratches on her knees and elbows. She had nothing broken. David helped her walk back up the driveway into the house. I was amazed that we didn't have to call 911. I really believe there must have been an unseen angel that helped her. Can you imagine that a 85 year old woman could get through an incident like that without getting badly injured? Today she is walking around the house like nothing ever happened to her. Could you roll down their driveway without getting hurt? In fact, while she was rolling down the driveway not a sound came from her. I think that I would be screaming for my dear life. Mom, who was in the back seat of the car taking care of the dogs didn't see Grandma fall and wondered how Grandma could disappear so fast. Like where did she go!

Judy thinks that Grandma is a tough cookie.

Love,
Dad

Happy Anniversary

So it was my two year anniversary with my Blog on the 3rd. But I missed it. So today I had to buy it flowers and chocolates and beg for forgiveness. Not only for forgetting our anniversary but also for being a boring, whiney subject. It took me back. And then I ate the chocolate.