Saturday, January 31, 2004

Bloggin Foo

My blogspot one year anniversary is quickly approaching. And as an anniversary present I have created this quiz (on the left side) to test your Em's Blogspot knowledge. All the answers to these ten questions are posted some place on Em's Blog. I know... good times.

How'd you do?

Friday, January 30, 2004

Today Was A Good Day

Yesterday remains unresolved. But today was GREAT!

That's all.
Today Will Be A Good Day

Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Happy Birthday, Jena!

Hurray! It's Jena's birthday!

Top Five Reasons That I Love Jena...
5) She's thoughtful
4) She's a good listener
3) She knows what she wants
2) She's gorgeous
1) She's just plain AMAZING!

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

How To Lose

In "How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days" the movie starts to come to a dramatic close when Ben says, "Congratulations! It worked because you just lost me." And Andy shoots back, "No I didn't, Ben, because you can't lose something you never had!"

But, can you miss something you never had? She did. And so do I.

However, unlike Andy Anderson, mine's not going to chase me down on a motorcycle with a love fern strapped to the back. And this love fern needs more than some sunlight and water. That sucka is dead.

And still, I wish I could be more like Andy. Not because her situation was resolved. I understand that mine never will be. But because she got in the cab. She cut her losses (or non-losses?) and got in the cab. She didn't grovel back or try to create something that wasn't there. She just got in the cab, left no forwarding number, no "leave behind" and left.

I thought I got in that cab almost five years ago when my friends picked me up one morning when it was still dark outside and drove me the thousand miles to Zion. But I guess I didn't because in four and a half years, if I had really cut my losses (ie non-losses) and moved on, would it still hurt this much? Would I still miss that something I never had?
Ten Minutes

I opened my eyes at 7:38 this morning. I turned off my alarm that was set to go off at 7:45 and convinced myself that I was getting up. But then I opened my eyes again and it was 8:12.



I jumped out of bed, threw on some clothes, pretended to brush my hair and put on make-up and ran out the door at...


Ten minutes.

Monday, January 26, 2004


If you're going to put baby oil on the bottom of your feet as part of your moisterizing technique, then you should expect to fall while walking across the linoleum bathroom floor on the way back to your bedroom.

Friday, January 23, 2004

The Olden Days

My morning at work started with little Annie turning in her book. It was an old book that had a small record in the back.
Annie: Mrs. Ord?
Mrs. Ord: Yes, Annie?
Annie: Is this what CDs used to be like before they got small?
Mrs. Ord: Um... sure.
Em: Ya... back in those olden days, right Mrs. Ord?
Mrs. Ord: (laughs) Yep, back in the olden days...
Annie: You lived in the olden days??
Mrs. Ord: Yep, I'm old enough to know that that's a record...
Annie: Woah... so... were you, like, alive during the 80's??
Mrs. Ord: Oh dear...
Em: Even I was alive during the 80's!
Annie: Woah!
Em: Ya... rough decade...
Mrs. Ord: (laughs) Sure... that was yesterday...
Annie: No... yesterday was Wednesday.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Kat Fell

The phone rang. I ran to my bedroom and picked it up. "Hello?"
My blood ran cold. What do I say??
"Ya... Hi, Dad." D'oh! That wasn't what I wanted to say!!
"Ah, I thought it was you. And I'm guessing that since I called you after ten your time that you're not getting ready to go someplace else as you usually are when we call."
Think fast! Think fast!
"Actually... I am."
"You are? Where?"
"Uh... my friend just called and asked me to come over and I was just about to head out the door."
"But since you're just going to visit a friend then it doesn't matter when you show up. You can talk to us for a while."
"Well, I did say that I was coming right over..."
"You're going to talk to your mother."
"Okay." WHY?????

He talked. She talked and talked and talked and talked. The guests in the living room left. My hair got a bit grayer. Kat came in, stood right behind me, fell hard and loud and yelled, "Em!! Help! I fell! EM???"

"Mom? I gotta go. Kat fell."

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Attainable Life Goals

Due to my own inability to do well on the GRE and the inability of my professors (that I gave years of my life to) to write a letter of recommendation on time, grad school will most likely not be an option for this girl. Therefore, I have written my...

Top Five Life Options... (in no particular order)

1. Move back home and allow MTV to tape the shenanigans that follow. MTV has been after me for a while now to start taping their new messed up reality show called, "You-Know-It's-Real-Because-There's-Nobody-That-Could-Make-Stuff-Like-This-Up."
2. Live in Provo... forever. Perhaps becoming the very first Provo "Cat Lady" under thirty.
3. Join the carnival. I already have small hands and I just know that I can smell of cabbage if I really put my mind to it.
4. Get a job at an amusement park. Perhaps become a sarcastic tour guide on a safari ride or become that weird lady that you're pretty sure actually lives in the Fun House.
5. Buy a giant backpack and backpack across Europe. And by "backpack across Europe" I mean watch a special about it on TV while eating a pan of brownies.

There you have it. It's all about making attainable goals. But here on Em's Blog, I'll let you be the one that decides where my road will fork off to next. Drum roll please...
Good to See You

Meeting up with an old friend is fun.

Meeting up with a person you hardly knew anyways is kinda cool.

Meeting up with a person you vaguely remember or wish you didn't isn't so cool.

Meeting up with a person you had never met until you randomly scared them by grabbing them by their sides and yelling "Rarr!" is one of those moments you kind of hoped would never happen. And when it does you turn the other way hoping they wouldn't recognize you in the light, in a dress and with make-up on.

You don't think she knew it was me, do you? I mean... Caroline recognized her and she wasn't even there... but that doesn't mean she knew it was me, right?

Oh dear.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Happy Birthday, Ann-Marie!

Today is Miss Ann-Marie's birthday! Hurray! Yay!

I love my Ann-Marie!

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

My Weekend's Better Than Your Weekend

Tomorrow is Thursday. It's a half day so my work day will end at 12:45pm. The following day is Friday. It's a no work day. Then comes Saturday and Sunday with their glorious tradition of zero labor. The following day is Monday which just happens to be Martin Luther King, Jr Day which leaves Miss Emily with a four and a half day weekend!

Where will you be again?


Monday, January 12, 2004

Statement of No Intent

I stayed home from work today. Partly because I felt like garbage when I woke up and partly because I was literally shaking with anxiety over the upcoming deadline to apply to graduate school. I had to get it done. It took all day to get everything squared away but nothing was more difficult than writing the statement of intent.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to write a statement of intent when you have no intentions? I thought I had life goals and qualifications. I was wrong. Apparantly I have a blank page of life options and credentials. Actually, two blank pages to be exact. Double-spaced.

Thanks, Jena, for making a whole lot of nothing look pretty dang good!

Sunday, January 11, 2004

The Toilet Monster

My sister was always really big on the mind games. She would hit me and hit me and hit me and I wouldn't crack. I refused to cry. But for some reason, I always fell for her mind games. She was good at it and I was gullible. For some reason I wanted to trust her so badly that I would believe anything she told me even if I knew it was ridiculous. A classic example is the Toilet Monster.

You see, the Toilet Monster lives in your toilet. It sleeps in the curvy part of your toilet and he's mad because all it gets is well... not usually appetizing. What it really wants is... you! Lucky for you, though, it sleeps a lot. In fact, the Toilet Monster is only awaken when the toilet is flushed.

"And so, Emily... if you want to survive you had better run as soon as the toilet is flushed!" My sister explained the rules of survival to me. See? She really did care about her baby sister! She even demonstrated what to do for me. "Now, you wait in the hall so you'll be safe this time and see how I do it. I try to stretch and already have one foot out the door when I push the lever... one... two... THREE!" She took off down the hall and I followed after. I just knew that I'd be this monster's next victim.

Come on... a Toilet Monster? I knew it was silly. But... was it? My sister apparantly believed in it. She was at least eleven at this time. Or did she? Was she just pretending to believe so that I would be scared? Probably. But was it worth the risk? No.

And so I ran. I ran so fast every time I had to flush that toilet. I was so sure every time that this would be the time that that ugly thing would get me.

My best friend came over to visit. I went in to use the bathroom and she waited for me outside in the hall. I opened the door and saw her there... in danger's way. "Uh, Sarah? When I say 'go' you run down the hall as fast as you can, okay?"
"Why?" she asked. It was a valid question but I was too embarassed to tell her the truth about how I believed in the Toilet Monster.
"Just do it, okay??"
"One... two... THREE!" I flushed the toilet. "Go! Go! Go!"
We tore down the hall and into the living room. Sarah laughed when we got there and rolled on the floor. "That was fun! Why did we run?"
"Uh, no reason. Just thought it'd be fun, that's all."

She couldn't know that I was stupid enough to believe in the Toilet Monster and, more importantly, to believe anything my sister said. And she never did. Well, until now. Hi, Sarah.

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Dream Weaver

Last night a miracle happened. I slept all night (over 7 hrs) last night without any nightmares! This morning I woke up feeling good and I've been in a good mood all day. I just barely got off the phone with my parents. Even that didn't alter my mood. My mom even had a fun tidbit of information for me... she had a dream... "I had a dream about you the other night." Eebie-jeebies.
"Oh, really?"
"That's... cool..."
"Yes, I had a dream that you found a boyfriend."
"Oh, dear."
"And that you called to tell me all about him and I was so happy."
The conversation about my mother's dreams ended there as she swept on to other more thrilling topics like where exactly my dog pooped in the yard and the shinanegans that followed. But it could have continued like this...
"I had a dream about you, too."
"Oh, really? I don't care."
"I've had several actually..."
"In one, you tried to stab me. In another I spent the whole night running away from you because you were trying to kill me again. Actually, in all of them you're trying to hurt me."
"Did I tell you about where the dog pooped in the yard?"

Wednesday, January 07, 2004


I left apartment 63 after midnight and sleepily headed back to my apartment but then I saw her. Lisa was bent down buying a soda at the soda machine just outside her apartment. "What a weirdo," I thought, "Only Lisa would be out buying a soda after midnight on a school night." So I did what any respectable girl would do. I snuck up on her with the intent to make her scream. I walked quietly at first but then realizing that it wouldn't be long before she got her soda and turned around, I ran for her, grabbed her ribs on both sides and said, "Rarr!" She gave a little shriek and flung around, fully erect, then she took a step back. I gave a little shriek too because... that wasn't Lisa. It wasn't even anybody in my ward. I had no idea who this person was at all. "Uh... hi," I said lamely.
"Hi." She still eyed me suspiciously. I tried to play it cool...
"You... uh... live here?"
"No. I live across the street."
"Oh, cool. Sorry... I... uh... thought you lived here and sometimes I do that... I... uh... so, you go to BYU?"
"What are you studying?"
"Political Science."
"That's nice."
"Ya, I've been going to school here for over 2 years now... I'm from Japan."
"That's really cool!... I gotta go. It was nice meeting you... what's your name?"
"Chichachu. Ooh."
"Ooh. Chichachu. Got it. I'm Emily. Nice to meet you."
And then, like any respectable girl, I ran away.
Snow Angel

This morning I thought it' d be a good idea to actually start my car a few minutes before I had to leave so that it could defrost and warm up. "It'll be quick," I thought to myself, "So I won't be needing a jacket." I walked down my stairs, through the grassy area and onto the "pavement." Most Villa residents know that there's a thick layer of ice on that pavement but a night of snow had covered it with a thin layer concealing the enemy. I was walking at a quick pace and didn't even see the attack coming. My feet flew out from under me and into the air in cartoon fashion and I landed flat on my back. I laid there for a second, legs and arms sprawled out as I tried to regain my breath (It had been a long time since I had had the wind knocked out of me) as I thought about how much I missed my medical insurance. I finally got up, unlocked my car and started its engine. But as I turned to go back upstairs I saw my print in the snow. It looked like an outline for a dead body but instead of a white line it was white all around it except for where my body bit it. There were no shoe or hand prints nearby as I had simply sat up and walked away and the image was comical. I laughed. Hard. Talk about your messed up snow angel...

Sunday, January 04, 2004

New Years' Resolutions

1. Make a New Years' Resolution
2. Attempt to keep it
3. Give up
4. Pretend that I didn't need to change anyways
5. Eat chocolate

Saturday, January 03, 2004

Tossin' and Turnin'

I don't really want to go to sleep or stay asleep but complete exhaustion has forced me to stay asleep after I have unwillingly slipped into slumber. You see, I'm a sick and twisted human being who would rather stay awake and be completely tired and campy than face my own subconscious. Lately, it's been a reoccurring nightmare unlike any I've ever had. It's a sick combination of the Lord of the Rings, my own family life and the huge box of candy I have stashed in my bedroom. I'm always running, running, running and the "special effects," scary characters and intense non-plot leave me aching for my childhood days when my only reoccurring nightmare involved a pink and purple monster, my family and their combined efforts to feed me to the beast. I'd take that pink and purple guy over this new villian any day. As long as he's just not added into this new one... because I don't think I can handle them joining forces... or the monster's influence on the color scheme.

Friday, January 02, 2004


The best defense I have is the old Smile-n-Nod trick. (Not to be confused with the Wink-n-Cock.) The Smile-n-Nod comes in handy in numerous situations. It's the ultimate cure all for all those "I wasn't listening" and "I have no idea what you're talking about" kind of moments. Most people are just looking for validation and the Smile-n-Nod tends to do the trick.

Personally, I zone a lot. I'm not all that smart and although I may have a look of focus and concern on my face, my mind is usually far away, thinking about why I chose the outfit I'm wearing, whether or not I remembered to put on make-up or that one guy's name on that one show I was watching three weeks ago. But usually I hear only tropical music and visualize palm trees and the Disneyland Theme Park.

I have to admit that there are days that the Smile-n-Nod is my only lifeline to the real world.

But buyer beware... there are side effects if the Smile-n-Nod is used is an unopportune time. There are occasions when you're actually supposed to be answering questions and the Smile-n-Nod will commit you to doing something you were actually unaware of since you were on Splash Mountain instead of listening to why so and so needs you to give them your car, your wallet and about 50 hours of your time.

Here are some cues that it's time to utilize the Smile-n-Nod...
"Don't you think so?", "Wouldn't you agree", "And that's my story about...", "It's been nice meeting you."
Here are some cues not to use the Smile-n-Nod...
"So I'll pick you up at seven then?", "So you'll take me there?", "And you'll be paying?", "You'll help me with that?"

The good ol' Smile-n-Nod. A faithful friend...

Thursday, January 01, 2004

A Christmas Miracle

On Christmas day I was ready to snap. The day after Christmas I spent the whole day with my mom and I was frustrated, confused and trapped. The day after that was Saturday. I took my kid brother to his bowling league and my friend Jennifer called to ask me to babysit her kids from 5:50pm - 1am. I gratefully accepted the excuse to leave my parents and spend the evening doing anything else. At 5:45 a miracle happened. I was running late of course and running through my house putting together a backpack to take to Jennifer's to entertain myself after the kids went to bed when my cell phone rang. I only get one bar of reception at my parents' house since we live in a small valley and as a result it's choppy and hard to understand the person on the line. But I knew it was Julie and after a few minutes of piecing the gaps together it finally dawned on me that she was inviting me to go to New York with her and her husband to pick up a car and that we would be leaving the very next day. I hurried through the conversation, remembering that I was very late for Jennifer's and told her I'd call her once I got there. A few minutes later she was at Jennifer's house as well and we were making plans for our New York adventure.

Jennifer and her husband came home at 1:45. I had to leave my house at 5am for the airport and I was far from packed. I slept for 45 minutes that night. My dad drove Lance, Julie and I to the airport still confused at why I was going and how I can be okay with such spontaneity. A few hours later we were in New York. We stayed in the Hilton at Times Square and we walked around the city for a bit. I was in heaven. The next day we took the Subway to Manhattan to pick up the Suburban they had purchased off of Ebay and at 6pm on Monday we started our trip across country. We rotated between drivers and drove around the clock, driving through ten states and arriving in Salt Lake City on Wednesday around 1pm.

I love Lance and Julie Faerber. I love New York. I love road trips. I love randomness and craziness. I love Christmas miracles. And I love that I'M BACK!!!