Tuesday, March 30, 2004

I'm the Next American Idol

On the way out of town we stopped to gas up. Okay, we were lost and were in desperate need of directions. On our way up to Hollywood to see American Idol, Heather pointed out the window and said, "That's a bad part of town! I'd rather have my bladder explode than stop there. You never want to go there!" I'm pretty sure that's where we were. Using the bathroom, gassing up, dodging homeless men adn asking for directions. At this nasty little gas station in a disgusting part of town between LA and Hollywood is where I met Mohan.

Mohan works at the nasty gas station in the disgusting part of town. He appears well kept, in his late thirties and he (entertainingly enough for me) looks and sounds like Apu from the Simpsons. Mags and Lisa were gassing the car and rearranging our stuff for a comfortable ride home. I went back in for directions.

"Hi," I said. "I was hoping to get some directions to I-15."
"Sure," he said. "No problem."
"Ya, you're going to go right at this light, turn left onto I-405... wiat... where are you going?"
"Salt Lake. I just need to get to I-15."
"You live there?"
"Why are you here? Vacation?"
"I went to see American Idol."
"You sing?"
"No. I went to watch it."
"But I'll bed you sing, right? I'll bet you have a beautiful singing voice."

His eyes were looking me up and down and rarely made contact with mine. I was officially creeped out and considered running out of there screaming. But there was the guy that had offered to watch my windows for a small fee standing right outside (who I had seen spit nasty green goo on my hood when I refused) and at least three other individuals that made the green spitter look like Jon Peter...

"No, I don't sing. My singing voice is actually kind of blood curdling."
"Oh, but your regular voice is real nice!"
"Uh, thanks." (I had a cold and sounded like a little boy going through puberty. My voice cracked at least three times during out conversation.)
"You know, it's getting late. How about you stay here for a few more days?"
"Uh, I don't think so. I have to get back."
"How about you just stay tonight?"
"No, I have class tomorrow."
"Well, can I have your number?"
"In case you get lost and need more directions."
"How about you give me your number and I'll call you if I get lost?"
"You don't want to give me your number?"
"My mom would kill me."
"Alright, here's my number. Call me!"
"Right... thanks for the directions."
"What's your name?"
"Ah, Emily. Such a pretty name."
"Right... see ya."
Career Week

It's Career Week in the first grade. Today they had to draw a picture of themselves doing whatever it is they want to do when they grow up. Little Jackie drew her picture and then said, "Guess what I am?" She had drawn herself wearing a nice dress.
Rebekah: An actress?
Jackie: No. I'll give you a hint. I work with kids.
Annie: A teacher!
Jackie: No.
Emma: A nurse?
Jackie: No.
short pause
Henry: A probation officer!!
Jackie: YES!

Monday, March 29, 2004


"Watch out for this one! He's a liar!" Bishop warned Ashley about Tim's Fat Boy antics. So lying's... bad... but what if you do it by mistake? I used to make fun of Liz and her "accidental lying" but really, who doesn't accidentally lie? We can't be the only two here! Here are a few examples of when I accidentally lie...

Example A:
Place: The BYU Library Girls' Bathroom
Time: 10 - 11pm?
Number of Hours I had been awake: 39
I dragged myself out of the stall and while leaning on the sink for support, I washed my hands and dried them on some paper towels from above the same sink. There was another girl in there. Although she was right beside me, I didn't even notice her until she spoke. "Sorry if this is gross but I split my foot on these stupid flip-flops and if I don't clean it it's going to get nasty." I looked down at what she was doing. She was cleaning the dirt out from between her toes where the flip-flop had dug in. "Don't even worry about it. It happens to me all the time."
LIAR! That has NEVER happened to me! I don't even wear flip-flops! I hate feet! Where in the world did that come from? As I left, stumbled down the hall back to my friends working on the FHE video I thought about what could possibly be the matter with me. I could have stopped at "Don't worry about it." Why did I add the last part which is a blatant lie? Without thinking about it? Weird.

Example B:
Place: Everywhere
Time: Lots of times
This happens to me all the time. And every time I lie without even really thinking about it.
Person: So, how was school?
Em: Fine.
Person: How is school going?
Em: Fine.
Person: Is school stressing you out?
Em: No, it's fine.
Every time I lie. I don't go to school! But it would take too much effort to say, "I don't go to school." And then answer all of the questions about why and about what I'm doing instead and whether or not I'm going to go to grad school or what I'm going to do with the degree or whether or not I'm ever going to amount to anything. And so I just say, "Fine." I mean, I WORK AT A SCHOOL. Shouldn't that count?

Example C:
Place: Lots of places
Time: Lots of times
The get out of future obligations lie.
Person: What're you up to tonight?
Me: Stuff. Lots of stuff. Ya... whew! Got lots of stuff to do.
I never have anything to do. I just didn't want to do what they wanted me to do and so instead of saying, "I don't want to do whatever it is you're going to ask me to do with you... I'm going to pretend that I have something else to do." I don't really think about it... it's kind of a defense mechanism.

Example D:
Place: On the phone
Time: A lot of times!
Every time my parents call I have the same reflex I had as a kid... LIE!
Parent: Is Emily there?
Em: Nope!
But it's me on the phone. I lied. Right there. I know they don't recognize my voice and so I reflexively lie.

I'm a liar.

Saturday, March 20, 2004

So I went to campus today. My reasons were two-fold. One, I needed to reserve the giant Twister game from BYU Oudoors Unlimited (or whatever it's called) and Two, I needed to buy one more ticket to the Luau on Wednesday. I had pseudo-completed task #1 and had made my way to the Info Desk for task #2.
Me: Can I get one ticket to the Luau on Wednesday?
Guy: Sure. That's $3.
Me: Okay. (I hand him the money.)
Guy: (He takes the money and reaches in the drawer for my ticket. He takes it out and holds it.) I have a question for you.
Me: (Uh oh.) Oh, really?
Guy: Ya. Okay, here's the situation... I was on a blind date last night... (ramble, ramble, ramble)
Me: (Of course you were. And of course since I'm at BYU on a Saturday I have nothing better to do than listen to you talk about your blind date last night and I most certainly care about you and this dating situation. Please, tell me more. I want to hear all about your blind date. Yes, keep talking. Do you understand what I'm saying? You're KILLING ME! Enough with the blind date story!) Uh huh...
Guy: My friend set me up with this girl because another girl had asked him out and he wanted to double.
Me: Sure...
Guy: So, we hadn't been out long when his date was talking about my date and she said the wrong name. So my friend corrected her. And his date got all huffy and was like, "Do you even know what MY name is?" He knew the first and last syllables but he couldn't for the life of him remember her name! His date got all upset and demanded that he take her home right away. Is that weird?
Me: Yes. (Can I have my ticket now?)
Guy: Because my friend feels aweful about it but really, he didn't know her that well and SHE was the one that asked HIM out. So, I can tell him that it's weird that she got that mad?
Me: Yes.
Guy: Okay. Oh, here's your ticket. Next!

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Playing By The Rules

I knew that showing up at an elementary school without any green on St. Patrick's Day would be suicide. And so I made sure that I wore a lot of green to ensure my safety. I'm not stupid. I know the rules. If you don't wear green then you're free game in the hunt and the children are armed with tiny fingers that can pinch just enough skin to really hurt. But I had totally forgotten the counter-rule. If you pinch somebody who is wearing green then that person is allowed to pinch back ten times! And I was approached with deep questions that I had never considered before like, "Are you allowed to hide your green so that people will think you don't have any green on so they'll pinch you so that you can pinch them back ten times?" and "How hard can we pinch?" and "Can I pinch them here? How about here?" and "Do you think that green is green enough or can I pinch him or would he be allowed to pinch me ten times even though that green is pretty yellow?" Deep questions. I tried to consult the St Pat's Rule Book but all I discovered from there was that it was the only day of the year that Ale was a permitted substitute for milk in the school lunches...

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Top Five Signs That It's Spring

It's been continuously sunny for less than a week and yet I know it's Spring because...
5. I've seen more people in the past five days than I have all semester
4. Those people were happy, cheerful and pleasant to be around
3. I've played outside every day without a jacket
2. Slurpees have become a part of my diet again
1. Bruises and lots of 'em!

Friday, March 12, 2004

Got the Memo

I got a typed memo handed to me yesterday afternoon. Here's my favorite part...

We will not be having a meeting today after the program. I know that there was some confusement about it.

Confusement? I've been confused before. And I was definitely in a state of confusion when I read that line. But confusement?? Hahahaha!!!!


Thursday, March 11, 2004


Today at recess little Henry asked me if I would toss the football around with him. I told him that I would be happy to. But only if he wasn't bothered by the fact that I didn't actually know how to throw a football. He said it was fine so I jumped off my swing and headed to the small field with him. We "threw" back and forth for a while. At least I could catch it. Sort of. Until finally it happened. Instead of the ball going end over end, it made a pretty little spiralish motion like footballs are supposed to make. I gasped. And then I yelled, "Woah! Henry! Did you see that? I did it! Did you see it? I threw it right! I'm the smartest girl alive!"

Henry looked at me with eyes that said, "Freak, I'm six and I can do that. And way better than you!"

And so I shot him an equally intense gaze that clearly said, "Ya? Well it's a big deal for me so shut up!"

And then we kept playing.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

One More?

A conversation I had with one of my first-grader friends at recess today...

Little Boy: How come only people who belong at Wasatch are allowed on the playground at recess time?
Me: To make sure everybody is safe.
Little Boy: How come not just anybody can be here?
Me: Because we want to make sure we know the people that are around you kids. Remember R.A.D. Kids? (A self defense class they teach at Wasatch) We want to make sure that the people around you are good so nobody tries to steal you.
Little Boy: What about that lady over there? (He points to a lady with a small dog on the playground.)
Me: I know her. She's a good lady. As long as I know who they are, it's fine.
Little Boy: Ya, she's good. She has a kid that goes here.
Me: Yep.
Little Boy: Ya, she already has a kid so you know she wouldn't want to steal one of us! Who would want one more??
Me: Good point.
Sunshine and Grass Stains

Today was gorgeous again. I ran outside during recess. I crossed the monkey bars, played catch with some kids, pushed them on swings and went swinging myself. After school, we all went out to the big field to play catch with some footballs. They all pointed and laughed as my football went end over end and as the 2nd grader I was playing with threw way better than me. It finally became necessary for me to choose a new activity which was rolling down the big grass hill. And so I did. I rolled and rolled and rolled. And as I rolled I laughed. But when I got to the bottom I noticed that the kids were stealing the footballs and frisbees. I tried to chase them down but... well... I had just been rolling... and I was a bit dizzy... and so I couldn't run in a straight line or really tell where they were at all. So the kids laughed at me again as I staggered around the big field telling them to return the equipment. Which they did. By throwing them at me. Those little buggers have pretty good arms. But, I was still pretty dizzy and I must admit that I was hit by more balls than I caught (mostly because I didn't catch any) and so the children laughed at me again taunting me as I staggered. And I laughed to because it was funny I tell you! It's all about sunshine and grass stains. And twenty kids between the ages of six and ten mocking you... can't forget that.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Dance of Joy

Yesterday was gorgeous and I have every reason to believe that today will be the same. I got to play outside with the kids at school without once having to yell at them to get out of the puddles. I got to play outside with my FHE group, at night, without a jacket. And the best part of it all? Last night I got my first Slurpee of the season. I love spring! If I knew the Dance of Joy I would dance it!

Saturday, March 06, 2004

Conversation Highlights

My parents called Friday night. Again. Here are the highlights from the resulting "conversation."

Em: Hello?
Dad: Is Emily there?
Em: (shocked silence)
Dad: Emily? Is that you?
Em: Yes, it's me Dad.
Dad: Let me guess, I caught you on the way out the door again, right?
(Can you tell I've used this excuse a few times? It's usually true though.)
Em: No. But, actually, people are coming over. They should be here any minute.
(Silent prayer goes out that people WILL actually come soon and save me.)
Dad: You're always doing SOMETHING down there, aren't you?
Em: Yep.
Dad: But you like it?
Em: Yep.
Dad: So, you're planning on staying down there then?
Em: Yep.
Dad: So, I suppose if you're down there then you'll probably end up marrying some guy from down there.
Em: I suppose. But that's supposing a lot.
Dad: What?
Em: Nevermind.
Dad: So you're really staying down there?
Em: YES!!
Dad: Oh.
It shouldn't have been a news flash. But somehow it was. He was genuinely surprised at this news even though I'd told him I was never coming back during every visit home, during almost every phone conversation we'd ever had, when he tried to almost force me to put my stuff in the van last April after graduation and in every e-mail since. But apparantly my decision to keep the thousand miles between us still came as a shock.

Mom: Julie said that you applied to schools.
Em: Yep.
Mom: Is that true?
Em: Yep.
Mom: So you did, huh?
Em: Yep.
Mom: When do you hear back?
Em: April.
Mom: From the schools?
Em: Yep.
Mom: What schools?
Em: BYU and University of Utah.
Mom: Both in Utah?
Em: Yep.
Mom: Oh, cause Julie asked me if you'd heard anything yet and I didn't know anything about it.
Em: Huh.
Mom: So you're staying down there, huh?
Me: Yep.
It shouldn't have been a news flash. But somehow it was. I had mentioned applying to schools to my parents at least a thousand times since I made my plans... FIVE YEARS AGO! And at least a hundred times just in the past month and a half.

Mom: So, Grandma and I were wondering how many of you kids are in school and how many are working?
Me: What kids? The people in my ward? Because almost all of them are in school and I suppose a good majority have jobs too.
Mom: No, I mean just the girls.
Me: What girls?
Mom: You know, THE girls. Your little circle of friends.
Me: You mean Liz and Kat?
Mom: No, just the girls in your apartment. How many of THEM are working or going to school?
Me: Mom, there is no THEM. It's just Kat and I.
Mom: Only you and Kat live in your apartment?
Me: Yep.
Mom: Huh...
Me: It's been that way for a YEAR AND A HALF!!
It shouldn't have been a news flash. But somehow it was. When it comes to me and my life, my parents' obvious attention to detail just gives me warm fuzzies all over. Precious. Thank goodness for Excedrin.

Friday, March 05, 2004


Today for dinner... I ate three oranges... In a row... And I liked it.

Thursday, March 04, 2004

Breach of Contract

Last night, as Ann-Marie and I were talking, I was whining and telling her all about my recent woes. And, I do believe, at point I said, "I mean, come one... what else can go wrong right now?"

I woke up this morning, looked out my window and there was my answer.


Tuesday, March 02, 2004


It's true that I have my own language. It takes a while to get used to it and I frequently need interpreters when I go out in public. Sarah has been my lifelong interpreter which was always entertaining because a conversation would go as follows...

Random person to Wayne: Hi, Wayne, how are you today?
Me (signing) to Wayne: Hi, Wayne, how are you today?
Wayne to Random person: Fine, but I kinda have a sore throat.
Me (speaking) to Random person: Finea, butIkind ahavasorethroat.
Random person: WHAT??
Sarah: She said that he's fine but he kind of has a sore throat.
Random person: Oh...

My "speech impediment" has become my language. It's true that I struggle sometimes with miscommuncation but this week has been ridiculous...

Apparantly me saying, "If Mom and Dad say you can't go to California with the basketball team then you can't. You're not even on the team. I understand that you want to, but it just doesn't make sense" is heard as, "I support you in your decision to go to California and I will fight Mom and Dad for you."

Obviously one can see that me saying, "Sure, I guess that going to California would be fun this summer. I mean, it's a family vacation has never been attempted before but if you can convince Mom to get in a car for a road trip and Dad to cough up actual money then sure... I'll go." which can easily be mistaken for, "Forget Mom and Dad. If they don't want to go to California, then I'll take you. I have lots of money and would love to spend it on you as you eat your way through three amusement parks and four beaches. And I will fight Mom and Dad for you."

It's no wonder how, "I don't want to talk right now because I'm watching the basketball game" can easily be misunderstood as, "Please talk. Talk more. Keep talking. You know the only thing that would be better? Put mom on!"

I can see how me saying, "Where's Brittani?" to be, "I take full responsibility for everything that Brittani does from morning until night and I understand that although I am not her mother, it is obviously my fault that her progress report is still unsigned."

Me saying, "Please don't run in the hall." can easily be heard as, "Run! Run! Run!"

Emese. My curse. Sigh.