Squatter Season

It's summer time. And with the season, especially in a college town, comes the inevitable squatters. It's understandable and expected. But shouldn't there be some rules that go along with all this squatting? I mean, some of us are actually paying rent here. Although I have no squatters of my own this year (knock on wood), I feel for my friends who are paying the man and still end up sharing their precious summer space.

Rule #1: This Is Not Your Room
I take you to Turner and Hooch. A classic among cinema giants. Hooch, a canine squatter, arrives at Turner's house expecting a lot more than what he's paying for (which is, of course, nothing). Turner takes the dog by the collar and leads him into each and every room of the house. At each door he pauses and says, "This is the ____. This is NOT your room." For Hooch, he got the laundry room. For our squatters of the human nature, it's any place we can find the space. This is not your room.

Rule #2: This Is Not Your Food
You're not paying rent so you best be buying your own food. Actually, my cupboard is your cupboard... just please, please at least pretend to ask first. And occasionally wash your own dishes. This is not your food.

Rule #3: This Is Not Your Stuff
Squatters, depending upon their dependency, will require the use of your stuff as well as the use of your space and food. Fine, use it. But be nice to it. And by all means, please do not remove all of my things from my apartment, leaving behind only my broken computer that you broke and some random crap you didn't want any more while I was away visiting my family during a break from school and then disappear with no forwarding number. That's called stealing, my friend. And it is not a choice way to pay somebody back for squatting in their home for the past several weeks. This is not your stuff.

Squatting is an art. If done correctly and with enough flair, the squattee will not even know they're being squatted upon.