I spent thirty minutes today after work looking for two first-graders. Samuel and Spencer. These two six-year-olds each left their homes with their backpacks, got on the bus to go to school, but instead of going to school when they arrived, they ditched out, ran into the adjoining park and hid in the dumpster.

At lunch time they decided it would be a good idea to walk across the park to the school, into the front office and ask the secretary there if they could have some matches to start a fire to "keep warm." Good plan guys.

They were, of course, denied and the boys ran back out to their dumpster in the park. (But honestly, why in the heck didn't the secretary bring the trash covered youngsters to the principal right then? "Oh, isn't that cute? These filthy six-year-olds want matches. No, no matches for you. Run along now you little darlings!")

Back in their dumpsters, they heard the kids on the playground out for afternoon recess. Poking their heads out for a view of the fun, they were spotted by a few soccer players. "Teacher! Teacher! There are some kids in the dumpter!" Sketchy... better check this one out...

The teacher runs out there, fishes the stinky kids out of the trash and drags their nasty behinds back to school grounds. The boys say, "We don't have to go to school. We're not in school right now." Then it was to the recess bench for a good talking to. "What were you thinking hanging out in the trash? You just sit here and think about what you did!" They sat there for 15 minutes and then she sent them into the school to get cleaned up and then told them to report to their teachers thinking they had been in school all day but had made a short recess trip to the dumpster. While the boys were "cleaning up" the recess teacher went to visit their teachers who informed her that they hadn't been to school at all that day. Hmmm... where did those little devils go?

Not in the bathroom cleaning up. That's for sure.

Not on the playground.

D'oh!!

They were gone. Again. Thirty minutes later, 8 teachers are out looking along with Spencer and Samuel's parents, the moms are in tears, the teachers inside instructed to check every nook and cranny (six-year-olds are small). We get a phone call from Sam's mom. She found them on the street. She had picked up Sam but Spencer had refused to get in the car and was walking home. Busted.

And the game was over.

They're SIX! Man, when I was six I was too afraid to leave my front yard... but I was also afraid of blue jays, E.T. and Pine Sol. So there it is...

Question: If two out of four of your "best friend squad" from your youth are now married, and they're both younger than you, does that mean that you have to grow up too?

Question: If you get more compliments on our appearance and smell on days that you don't shower than on days that you do shower, does that mean that hygeine is over rated and showering and brushing your hair should not be done regularly, even if it's a holiday or the day of your best friend's wedding?

Question: Is it normal to jump away from the flowers as if they were infested by some rare and incurable disease instead of rush towards them like all the others as if they were an answer to prayers when it's time for the traditional "throw the bouquet" thingy at weddings?

Question: How many times can you say, "Gee, I dunno my exact plans. Hopefully I'll be getting into grad school this year. No, I'm not dating anybody and yes I realize I'm 22 and several of my younger friends are married." before you get to the center of the tootsie pop and your head and last hint of dignity explodes?

Question: How old is "too old to buy everything your parents say?" And can you still believe the nice things they say?

Question: How do you hug and say I love you to your best friend on her wedding day without crying?

In only nine days I will have traveled over 2,169 miles and covered seven states. Good times. Let me tell you! I have fallen in love with Carma all over again (especially Campy Car Carma). "Wait, this song is about drugs!" "Can you tell the difference if I use my fourth finger?" I had a good laugh over driving in a Southeast bound vehicle with "Fresno Bound" written on the side, at funny facial expressions and my own stupid remarks.

"Are you doing okay on this long drive?"
"Ya! Great!"
"You're not bored?"
"Nope."
"How's that?"
"I'm easily amused."
"Oh. By what? Is Carma that amusing?"
"Ya. Sure. And I amuse myself the rest of the time."
"Huh... okay."

I also fell in love with the Martino family, Texas, Micah (again), road trash talk and car sing-alongs. In short, Carma really is "The Carmanator!" It's true. Trust me. You should see her with a Rubik's Cube...

I LOVE MY CARMA!

Waiting for the Correlation Meeting to begin...

Guy: What's that in your hair? It looks cool.
Me: Thanks. It's just gold hair gel-like color stuff. Just for kicks I guess.
Guy: Cool. (He touches it.)
Me: Thanks.
Guy: Uh... you have kind of a chunk here.
Me: Ya, they used to be all chunks last ni... uh... I mean... I wash my hair.
Guy: Oh...
Me: Hey! At least I brushed it! Man... I hate having to admit when I don't shower. Church is early!

And Church is early. I used to have a personal rule that I would not attend Church unless I was showered, well groomed and well dressed. But I had to change that rule last year when Church started at 8:30am because, quite frankly, that rule would have caused me to go inactive. And we can't have that. No, no. So please excuse the left over sparkles or hair color chunks from Saturday night. And also, tell me I look pretty. And smell nice. And also, buy me pretty things. And some chocolate wouldn't hurt. That's all...

I went to the gym today and "ran" for 40 minutes. For me, that was a marathon of sorts.

And now I'm back and I remember that my favorite McDonald's employee brought me back a fridge full of my favorite McDonald's treat last night. Mmmm.

Guess it's back to the gym.

I feel good about it. Ya. Strong...

Last night I got a text message on my cell phone around 11:30 from my sister.

And what did it say?

"I love you."

That's all.

I went back three times to make sure that was who it was really from. And each time it said "Jude." It was definitely from my sister. But it was so random. And something she never says to me. Was it a mistake? Maybe she meant to send it to her fiance. Or one of her friends. But maybe she did intentionally send it to me. Wow. I sent her a text message back.

"I love you, too."

The most precious moment my sister and I have had in a long time.

I really hope it was for me. I meant what I said.

Tender.

I think I must have only two facial expressions. I don't know what they are. All I know is that sad, mad, disappointed, tired and sick all must have the same expression because they all get the same responses.

"Are you mad?"
"No. Tired." (But really disappointed.)
"Tired and sad?"
"No."
"Just tired."

Sure. I lied. (Kind of. I really was tired.) But if they all have the same expression, does it really matter? Do I really have to go into why I'm disappointed when I can just write it off as being tired? And does this mean that when I'm tired there are people thinking, "Man, what's she so mad about?" Or "I wonder what happened to make her so sad?"

And if I only have one facial expression for all of those then happy, excited, grateful, etc must all have the same expression as well. Maybe if my facial expressions were more clearly defined I wouldn't have to worry about people thinking I'm mad when I'm just disappointed or have to explain that I'm not sad and still not be believed.

Is there a way to get more facial expressions? Or maybe I can just go down to one. That way nobody will know how I'm feeling. Ever. And I can say whatever I want (or nothing at all) about how I'm feeling and they can't dispute it. Except then maybe people would think I just don't feel at all. That wouldn't be okay. Man, I guess I need more facial expressions.

"I feel............ cold."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KATHRYN!

Yay!

Do you feel like a whole new woman?

Baby Boy goes home today. I woke up early and in a panic this morning. "What if I leave too late and he misses his flight?" "What if we both sleep in so late that we don't get to spend any time together on his last day here?" "What if he didn't have a good time and his opinion of me has been altered?" "What am I sending him home to?" I'm a freak.

"I was freakin' out! I was just freakin' out! Were you freakin' out? Are you freakin' out? I'm freakin' out!"

But the time with my Baby Boy was good I think. We got to talk about things that never come up in IM conversations. And hanging out with the Deafies on Sunday was ridiculously amusing for me. Here's my favorite Testimony Clip...

Wayne's friend, Dante, who went to EFY with him this year...

"Hi. My name's Dante and I went to EFY this last week. I had a lot of fun. I was really popular! I mean, all the girls were coming up to me and asking, 'What's your name? What's your name?' I don't remember any of their names because there were so many. I was really popular. And then at the dance all the girls wanted me to dance with them, but hello! I'm Deaf. But I danced with them anyways. I was really good. And they kept asking me to dance. And then they announced a Break Dance Competition. I didn't hear the announcement because I'm Deaf but all these girls and other people kept telling me I should join so I did. I'm Deaf and I don't know how to dance. But I made some stuff up and I won first place. See? I was really popular."

I was really grateful that the majority of the congregation was Deaf because I was laughing pretty hard. Man... I wish I were that popular. Hehehe...

And also, I love my Baby Boy.

My mom is the ultimate pack rat. She has a garage full of things that haven't been touched nor seen in at least 20 years, yet she refuses to get rid of them "just in case." Just in case of what you may wonder? In case there's an emergency where she needs 28 years worth of McDonalds Happy Meal toys to appease the angry mobs that may come to her door? Or there's suddenly a come back and she would regret throwing away the jumpsuits she wore when she was a teenager? What? What? Just in case of what? Just in case! And so the junk accumulates and not-so-gradually takes over their home. Instead of getting rid of things, they prefer buying new dressers, drawers, cabinets and shelves to store more and more stuff that comes their way. Soon, there will no longer be room for people and they'll have to pitch a tent in the back yard.

Trying to be a good daughter, I attempted to clean the hole they call home. I didn't know where to start and spent my first couple of days praying for fire or tornado to just take the place away. But, no. So I started with a wet rag and began to work. Satisfied that the top layer of dirt was gone and that my family would not catch a serious disease by touching their walls, I began to delve deeper. "Hey, Mom? How about we go through just one drawer and eliminate some things you haven't used in a while?" That was a mistake. I got the usual "loud talk" from my Mom. (Don't try to tell her it's yelling... SHE'S NOT YELLING!!!!) I tried my best to persuade her that she'd be a lot happier if she ditched the large collection of free fast food restaurant cups in order to open up a cupboard for her real glasses. But no. How about emptying the drawer full of McDonalds toys and free stickers she got from the doctors? No. Unwilling to open it up to a full out battle, and determined to have a fight-free visit, I let it go. Let her keep her treasures.

But as soon as she turned her back, do you know what I did? I opened up that drawer, pulled out a Ronald McDonald plastic keychain and sent it to dumpster heaven where all of his friends have been waiting for him for at least 20 years. I smiled. And in my eyes, this passive aggressive won the battle.

My sister came over later that day and I told her about my victory. "It felt good. Trust me."
"Ya?"
"Ya."
She walked to the same drawer, pulled out a sticker with a smiling tooth with braces on it and tossed it in the trash.
"Wow! That was nice!"
"Ya. Makes a girl feel good."
"Ya..."

And so my sister and I bonded. Two birds. One stone.

My Dad Made a Funny

My dad wanted to get out of the house and since I had a lot of appointments to make in one day, he decided to be my taxi for the day. On our way to my first appointment, the eye doctor to pick out some glasses, I noticed that he chose to take I-5 N instead of I-5 S. We were going the wrong way.
"Uh, Dad? Where are we going?"
"To the eye doctor."
"But... isn't it the other way?"
"Are you just noticing now that we're headed north?"
"Maybe..."
"We switched eye doctors."
"When?"
"September."
"Why?"
"Because Mom found these guys and they're much better."
"How'd she do that?"
"Well, she needed such and such from one kind of specialist and so she had to go through this one insurance company which is a sister to this insurance company which covered this one doctor and if you go to that doctor then you can go through some hoops and get this eye doctor which is much better then the rest we're able to get."
"Uh... I'm not trying to be mean. But for somebody who has the understanding of a 3rd grader, Mom sure knows how to find doctors in complex ways..."
"Ya, I know. It's weird how much mom likes doctors. Her file's really thick! She always has an appointment with some doctor or another. It's what she looks forward to. It's weird. I hate doctors."
"Me, too."
"You do???"
"Uh, ya."
"Since when?"
"Since forever."
"Do you know why?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because of Mom."
"Huh... Why's that?"
"Because when I was small Mom neglected to tell me they were removing my tonsils until they were removed, didn't tell me they were taking out my teeth until they were gone and never told me what to expect until we were at the doctor's office or walking out..."
"You got your tonsils taken out?"
"Yes."
"When?"
"When they put tubes in my ears."
"Oh."
"Ya, I didn't know either until I woke up and couldn't talk."
"Your mom was always weird about telling you things. She didn't want you to be scared in anticipation."
"Well, a little forewarning would have been nice."

We approach the eye doctor. We each get out and walk to the door. Just as I'm reaching for the handle dad says....
"Emily, I didn't want to tell you until we were here but... we're not here to get you glasses... they're taking out your eyes."
"NO!!!!!!!!!!"

He was so proud of himself for making a funny that he smiled for the rest of the day and treated himself out to lunch.