HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KATHRYN!

Yay!

Do you feel like a whole new woman?

Baby Boy goes home today. I woke up early and in a panic this morning. "What if I leave too late and he misses his flight?" "What if we both sleep in so late that we don't get to spend any time together on his last day here?" "What if he didn't have a good time and his opinion of me has been altered?" "What am I sending him home to?" I'm a freak.

"I was freakin' out! I was just freakin' out! Were you freakin' out? Are you freakin' out? I'm freakin' out!"

But the time with my Baby Boy was good I think. We got to talk about things that never come up in IM conversations. And hanging out with the Deafies on Sunday was ridiculously amusing for me. Here's my favorite Testimony Clip...

Wayne's friend, Dante, who went to EFY with him this year...

"Hi. My name's Dante and I went to EFY this last week. I had a lot of fun. I was really popular! I mean, all the girls were coming up to me and asking, 'What's your name? What's your name?' I don't remember any of their names because there were so many. I was really popular. And then at the dance all the girls wanted me to dance with them, but hello! I'm Deaf. But I danced with them anyways. I was really good. And they kept asking me to dance. And then they announced a Break Dance Competition. I didn't hear the announcement because I'm Deaf but all these girls and other people kept telling me I should join so I did. I'm Deaf and I don't know how to dance. But I made some stuff up and I won first place. See? I was really popular."

I was really grateful that the majority of the congregation was Deaf because I was laughing pretty hard. Man... I wish I were that popular. Hehehe...

And also, I love my Baby Boy.

My mom is the ultimate pack rat. She has a garage full of things that haven't been touched nor seen in at least 20 years, yet she refuses to get rid of them "just in case." Just in case of what you may wonder? In case there's an emergency where she needs 28 years worth of McDonalds Happy Meal toys to appease the angry mobs that may come to her door? Or there's suddenly a come back and she would regret throwing away the jumpsuits she wore when she was a teenager? What? What? Just in case of what? Just in case! And so the junk accumulates and not-so-gradually takes over their home. Instead of getting rid of things, they prefer buying new dressers, drawers, cabinets and shelves to store more and more stuff that comes their way. Soon, there will no longer be room for people and they'll have to pitch a tent in the back yard.

Trying to be a good daughter, I attempted to clean the hole they call home. I didn't know where to start and spent my first couple of days praying for fire or tornado to just take the place away. But, no. So I started with a wet rag and began to work. Satisfied that the top layer of dirt was gone and that my family would not catch a serious disease by touching their walls, I began to delve deeper. "Hey, Mom? How about we go through just one drawer and eliminate some things you haven't used in a while?" That was a mistake. I got the usual "loud talk" from my Mom. (Don't try to tell her it's yelling... SHE'S NOT YELLING!!!!) I tried my best to persuade her that she'd be a lot happier if she ditched the large collection of free fast food restaurant cups in order to open up a cupboard for her real glasses. But no. How about emptying the drawer full of McDonalds toys and free stickers she got from the doctors? No. Unwilling to open it up to a full out battle, and determined to have a fight-free visit, I let it go. Let her keep her treasures.

But as soon as she turned her back, do you know what I did? I opened up that drawer, pulled out a Ronald McDonald plastic keychain and sent it to dumpster heaven where all of his friends have been waiting for him for at least 20 years. I smiled. And in my eyes, this passive aggressive won the battle.

My sister came over later that day and I told her about my victory. "It felt good. Trust me."
"Ya?"
"Ya."
She walked to the same drawer, pulled out a sticker with a smiling tooth with braces on it and tossed it in the trash.
"Wow! That was nice!"
"Ya. Makes a girl feel good."
"Ya..."

And so my sister and I bonded. Two birds. One stone.

My Dad Made a Funny

My dad wanted to get out of the house and since I had a lot of appointments to make in one day, he decided to be my taxi for the day. On our way to my first appointment, the eye doctor to pick out some glasses, I noticed that he chose to take I-5 N instead of I-5 S. We were going the wrong way.
"Uh, Dad? Where are we going?"
"To the eye doctor."
"But... isn't it the other way?"
"Are you just noticing now that we're headed north?"
"Maybe..."
"We switched eye doctors."
"When?"
"September."
"Why?"
"Because Mom found these guys and they're much better."
"How'd she do that?"
"Well, she needed such and such from one kind of specialist and so she had to go through this one insurance company which is a sister to this insurance company which covered this one doctor and if you go to that doctor then you can go through some hoops and get this eye doctor which is much better then the rest we're able to get."
"Uh... I'm not trying to be mean. But for somebody who has the understanding of a 3rd grader, Mom sure knows how to find doctors in complex ways..."
"Ya, I know. It's weird how much mom likes doctors. Her file's really thick! She always has an appointment with some doctor or another. It's what she looks forward to. It's weird. I hate doctors."
"Me, too."
"You do???"
"Uh, ya."
"Since when?"
"Since forever."
"Do you know why?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because of Mom."
"Huh... Why's that?"
"Because when I was small Mom neglected to tell me they were removing my tonsils until they were removed, didn't tell me they were taking out my teeth until they were gone and never told me what to expect until we were at the doctor's office or walking out..."
"You got your tonsils taken out?"
"Yes."
"When?"
"When they put tubes in my ears."
"Oh."
"Ya, I didn't know either until I woke up and couldn't talk."
"Your mom was always weird about telling you things. She didn't want you to be scared in anticipation."
"Well, a little forewarning would have been nice."

We approach the eye doctor. We each get out and walk to the door. Just as I'm reaching for the handle dad says....
"Emily, I didn't want to tell you until we were here but... we're not here to get you glasses... they're taking out your eyes."
"NO!!!!!!!!!!"

He was so proud of himself for making a funny that he smiled for the rest of the day and treated himself out to lunch.

When a young EFY boy hits on you while you're waiting for your brother to come down from his room in DT, do you?

A) Smile and just hope he'll go away without you having to tell him your age
B) Tell him that you're 22 and could be his mom and watch embarassment come to his baby face
C) Let your mind wander back to the last time you were hit on... never... panic
D) Pretend like you're Deaf
E) Keep trying to show him your wrists and hope he notices that you're not wearing a bright orange EFY band and in the mean time hope he doesn't think you're hinting that you want him to hold your hand

Apparantly I'm 14. Good to know. At least it's better than being 12 like I was a few months ago when a teacher mistook me for a 6th grader and told me to sit down with my class. See? I am growing up! At this time next year I plan to be at least 16! Ooh! I can drive! And date! Nevermind... at this time next year I plan to be 15. Baby steps...

Today I got new glasses. Things like this are always a scary experience for me. Especially when they're a permanent accessory. If you make a bad decision, it haunts you every day for at least the next 5 years until the insurance company decides you've suffered enough and allows you to get a new pair. For a lot of people I guess it's not a big deal. They know what's cool. They know what looks good. And they walk away knowing they've made the right decision and that nobody will be pointing and laughing and whispering behind their back, "What was she thinking? It's bad enough the dork's in glasses but did she have to make it that painful for the rest of us to look at?"

Standing in front of the numerous choices I was in a state of panic. I kept thinking, "I wish Liz or Kat were here... I wish Liz or Kat were here... d'oh!" And then a glimmer of hope came. Liz and Kat had mentioned something about what kind of glasses they thought would look good on me a few weeks ago. What did they say again? Black trim with the wing-like things on the sides. Right? Man, I hope they weren't being sarcastic. Because that's what I'm going for...

And that's what I got. They come in on Tuesday then Mom and Dad will mail them to me. I'm terrified. I know I messed it up. I have no sense of fashion. No, no. Man... I wish Liz or Kat had been there...

Today was grab Caitlyn and Kyle day. I took the poodies swimming and then took them to see "Finding Nemo." Finally! I've been waiting to see that movie for forever. But nobody would take me. I can't believe I had to wait for a 5 and an 8 year old to take me. You people are pathetic. It was a great movie. I knew it would be. I love it when I'm right.

I spent the day with four of my babies at the zoo. It was a great day. It was spent wandering from one animal exhibit to the next, carrying children, pushing/pulling children along, seperating children, feeding children and teaching children. My dad got a taste grandparenthood (I know that's not a word but it should be) and my brother and his friend stepped up to the challenge with a smile. They may think I'm crazy, but I was in heaven. We all had a great time. The oohs and awes from the kids made me happier than the baby tigers, which are my favorite. And I couldn't help but spoil them a bit. I love my babies. They just make me happy. That's all.

Renton. Wow. It's definitely weird being back. Kind of a Twin Peaks experience. I went to my home ward yesterday. Sacrament meeting was crazy. The chapel was full which was definitely cool and it looked like a lot of people who were inactive back in the day have come back. There were also a lot of babies. Quite a few of them had mothers that I went to nursery and primary with. Most younger than me. It was so odd to watch them as they had to take their crying babies out, or feed them or do other mommish things. For the last two hours I was asked to go into the nursery. Not because they knew I'd cry if I didn't get snack and a nap time but because there were over a dozen infants in there and only one teacher. I had a great time in there, of course. At one point I was sitting on the floor while four or five of them poked me until I made some kind of sound, they'd all run away giggling and then come back and jump on me again. That was fun. Felt like I was in Provo again.

I spent most of yesterday afternoon visiting friends. I had to stop after the third house though because I was recognizing a theme. Before I left I had to eat something. Usually a lot of something. And one more house may have made me explode into only spatterings of Emily... and then where would we be?

I'm actually kind of thinking about sticking around. It seems that the end-of-summer plans may have changed and there's a lot of work to do here. More than I bargained for I guess. At least it's pretty here, though. Gorgeous really. I can't get over it. Wish you were here.

Hi. I'm in Renton. Little Renton. It took me only about thirteen hours to get here and got great satisfaction out of beating MapQuest's prediction of 14.5 hrs. I won the race. I'm the champion. I got the added bonus of going through the pass right at sunset. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and as peaceful as it was driving through it alone, I really wished my friends could have been there to share it with me. It really is gorgeous here. I forgot. It's green and nice. The roads are curvy and hilly. People come in all colors and there are Starbucks on every corner. Gosh, I love Seattle!

I pulled in around 9:30 and drove right to the Faerbers where I played with my babies for a while. Then Sarah called and I went over to Lunsfords and chatted with them before forcing myself to go to my parents' house. The parents were mad because they had figured out that home wasn't my first stop and mom was pretending to sleep when I got there. Then I went in her room, she jumped out of bed, threw a puppy in my arms and said, "Finally! You meet your new sister! What do you think?" Fact is though... she's really cute. And she's sassy. I like her.

So far so good. But "one of these days I'm just gonna snap..." Hehehe!

My Score was 44. "Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out."

Good ol' Dr. Phil may have completely missed the mark with me but maybe he'll be more accurate with you. What did he say?

A few of us want to go see a movie and I'm told to figure out what time it's playing. The times aren't posted on the internet so I begin the constant redialing of Movies 8.
Call the number... busy...
redial... busy...
redial... busy...
redial... busy...
"Man, this stinks."
Phone rings.
"Hello?"
"Hi, this is Daniel. Are you guys still going to see Pirates?"
"Uh, I dunno. No, I don't think so. I think Holes? Or something? Kat knows. She'll call you back."
"Okay..."
"Bye."
Click.

"Hey, Kat! Call Dan back and tell him what we're doing."
"But you know what we're doing. Just tell him we're not sure and to just come over."
"I already hung up. You do it."
"Fine."
Kat calls Dan and tells him to come over.

"Em, have you gotten through to the theater? What's playing?"
"I dunno, I haven't gotten through yet."
"Well, keep trying."
"Okay."

Redial... ring... ring...
"Cool! I got through!"
"Hello?"
"Hi! What's playing?"
"What?"
"Your not listed on the internet today. What time is Holes playing?"
"I don't know."
"What?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know when it's playing? Do you even have Holes right now?"
"Uh... huh?"
"Wait a minute... is this Daniel?"
"Ya."
"Hehehehe!!! I'm sorry! I forgot Kat called you and I just hit redial again thinking I was getting the theater! Hahahaha!"
"Uh... okay... so I'm still coming over?"
"Ya, see you in a bit."

Kat comes in laughing having heard my mistake.
"See, that's funny?"
"Ya, I know. I'm not smart."
"No, the fact that you admitted to him what you did!"
"Huh?"
"He didn't know who you were. I would have just hung up."
"Oh. That would have made sense."
"Hahahaha! But not you! You just admit when you're stupid!"
"Hehehe!"

And it's true. I do admit when I'm stupid. I don't know why. Like last night, I was writing love notes at the bar in the rec room. I turned around and started walking without looking and ran headlong right into the support beam. There were three people sitting right next to it facing me but they all happened to be looking away when it happened. Two people at the table a few feet away had missed it too. And Caroline had her back turned to me. I started laughing and people looked up. "Haha! I just... nevermind." Nobody saw it! Just keep quiet. I walk and put the love notes away. I can't help it, though! Running into a pole is funny! What's the point of smacking into a beam when the only one laughing is you? I gotta tell! "Caroline! Hey, Caroline! Guess what I just did? I can't believe you missed it but I just turned around and smacked right into that pole! Hahaha!" It's like a disease.

I wish I had some fun or interesting story to post. Something to make you laugh. But I don't. All I can think about is the remaining two days in Provo and the fourteen hour trip that's ahead. All of which will be spent alone. Which, is probably not a good thing. Because now that time will most likely be spent thinking about what will happen after the fourteen hours are through and I've stopped my car in the ghetto of Renton, WA. I wish I had a funny story to tell you. But I don't. Pathetic, I know. It's a good thing that I have such good friends that I'll get to see up there. And then my loves back here to make me happy when I get back. I love you!

Wow! They really have Blogathons. Who knew?

I used to whine to my grandma because I had so many chores when my siblings didn't have any. My grandma used to smile and tell me in her "I'm so proud of you" voice that the reason that my parents made me do so much stuff was because I did it.

This confused me to no end. So, it was a good thing that my parents gave me more stuff to do? This was something to be proud of? Okay. But wait, is there another option? Don't I HAVE to do what they tell me to? How was my sister getting away with this?

Wait a minute! Hmmm... maybe I could NOT do what they tell me to do and then they'd stop asking me to do things. I'm a genius!

But do you know what? That plan failed. And do you know why? Because they got mad at me. Apparantly parents don't like it when their kids don't do what they say, especially when they're used to them doing it. And I don't like it when people are mad at me. So I did what they said. And they gave me even more stuff to do. And I did that too. Because I wanted them to like me. But they don't. Still. It kind of makes me want to go back and say, "NO! Pick up your own damn mess! I'm going outside to play!" Because that would have been a whole lot more fun than scrubbing walls and fetching odd things for my mother. But not nearly as fun for them. And that's what really matters. Wait, what was my point? I don't know. But I'll bet it was good.

Next week I leave to go home for a while. I'll have to leave my Kat, Liz, Maggie and Lisa behind. But I'm taking my happy place with me. I'm sure I'll be fine because I may wobble but I don't fall down... okay so I do. But who's keeping a tally, really? Those bruises could be from anything! Maybe I'm really athletic! Hey! Don't laugh... hehehe...

:::Pet Peeve:::
Typing up a cool blog with lots of fun links that took me forever to find and then having my computer freeze and losing it all.

Bummer...

I guess the world will never know.

Emily, Emmy, Emmaloo, Emmy Lou, Emmy Lou Pooh, Ems, Emmers, Emiweewee, Emiwee, The Big 'E', Emily Ann, Miss Emily, Em'ly, Em, Emerson, Embrodak, Emtarkanderundersgunderson, Emnanana...na...

I've sent out my resume every where. I just don't get it. Just because I don't have any skills... or experience... or an applicable degree... I mean, is that any reason not to give me lots of money with great benefits and vacation time? What's the deal??

Sigh. The fourth of July. Such warm memories. Kind of. I mean, it usually rained a bit and we had our BBQ inside or under the patio's roof. And I spent the majority of the day cooking and cleaning. But it was good. And I'll tell you why. I had a very drunk and very crazy "neighbor" guy. Our next door neighbor was Keith's ex-wife. Yet, Keith spent all day every day over there. His old cars he was working on were still in the driveway, the garage was still filled with his tools and other stuff. His ex-wife still supported him from what I could tell. He just wandered around with his shirt off and his tan beer belly hanging out (which was decorated with scars from his heart surgeries). But Keith was my favorite neighbor. He'd tote me around like I was some kind of precious prize. He'd come over and kidnap me or temp me out with his Chocolate Charleston Chews, "Psst! Emmaloo! I've got some Charleston Chews here for ya! Think you can get away? Put your swimsuit on and see if you can get away from that mother of yours for some fireworks and a diving lesson!" Then he'd let me take my pick of his huge stash of fireworks. Each year he'd go to several Indian Reservations and spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on the best of the illegal fireworks. For weeks before the holiday, he'd set them off. Before I was in kindergarten, he taught me the art of lighting a firecracker bigger than I was without losing a hand. I felt like the Karate Kid with Mr. Miagi. Learning from a master... who was drunk. I loved spending time with my Keith. He'd keep me pumped with Charleston Chews and would try to bribe me to blow up our neighbors' mailboxes with cherry bombs. We'd laugh together at the loud cracks and bright sparks and as we accidentally set something on fire. Then, on the night of the 4th, Keith would put on the neighborhood fireworks show. And it was GREAT! The show would go on for an hour or two with the fireworks getting bigger and bigger (and more and more illegal). Everybody loved Keith and the other neighborhood kids who made fun of me all year would watch with envy as Keith let me set of the biggest fireworks. That was my tradition for about my first sixteen years.

Around that time, Keith's drinking had gotten worse and he got a bit more sloppy with his firework skills. One year he bought this huge rolled-up firework from an Indian Reservation. He was supposed to roll it out and light one end and it would make loud pops as the fire went down the line. But Keith was too drunk to figure out how to unroll it. So he just set it in the street and set it on fire. It sounded as if a bomb went off and red confetti of fire sprayed everywhere. Our tree, which was on that corner caught fire. The neighbors ran frantically to get hoses to put the fire out. Keith layed down in the street and laughed at the falling pieces. "Did you see that Emmaloo?" "Ya, could have taken out quite a few mailboxes with that one." "Hehehe... ya..." That was the last time we had the fireworks show.

So time for new tradition. Today I slept in as much as I could with the parade outside my window. In a minute I'll start cleaning my room and straightening the apartment. Around 5pm Lisa will be back and then I'll follow Kat, Lisa and Liz to wherever they want to go. I'll leave the firework lighting to the professionals and sit back with some friends. Life is good. But I do miss Keith, his Charleston Chews and his endless supply of illegal fireworks.