Snowed In

I have been snowed in for almost three days now.  There was that traumatic venture onto the roads yesterday but that's it.  I have watched every Christmas movie I own and have had plenty of time to get my Christmas presents wrapped and ready for action.  

Today was my birthday.  I was snowed in once before on my birthday when I was 8 or 9.  I was supposed to have a birthday party but one-by-one my friends called to say they couldn't make it.  I was so bummed and spent the evening watching Frosty the  Snowman alone.  I thought today would be a bummer too.  

But it wasn't.

I got plenty of phone calls and messages from the people  I love.  I had an excuse to hang out in my PJs all day and I enjoyed the peace of a winter's day from my balcony while sipping eggnog.  I thought about my age and some of my more prominent successes and failures.  I thought about the person I've become and about the events and people from my past and current life that has shaped the present me.  It turns out that I'm okay with who I am and found myself immensely grateful for what I have and who I have in my life.

There are people who read this blog.  Some of you have been an audience since I started this thing almost six years ago.  And since it's not all that entertaining or creative and since it doesn't provide anything intellectual or mind boggling you must read this crap because you for some reason or another are curious about what I'm doing and thinking.

So thanks.  Thanks for caring.  You're the people that have helped shape who I am and since I like me it's just more proof that you're good people.  I'm surrounded by good people.  What a great birthday present!  Happy birthday to me!!  :)

Snow and Ice and Some Guy That's Nice

It snowed on Saturday night and Sunday morning.  Not a lot.  But enough to cause problems.  Church was cancelled and everybody was advised to stay home.  The news was full of comical (and some not so comical) reports and video of people thinking driving around the hilly Seattle area on ice was a fine Sunday activity.  It's times like these that I really wish I had a camera crew following me around for your viewing pleasure because this morning I was the idiot and I really don't think words will serve the tale. 

 

This morning we had a 2 hour delay.  I used those two hours to sleep and have a weird dream about showing up to work still in my pajamas and horrifically unshowered and my boss at the book store was the principal and the loonies from the book store were teachers and since it was a snow day hardly any kids showed up and we spent the day playing games and watching movies.  As I slept the snow thawed to create a safer driving situation.  Wait... no.  It didn't.

 

But time was up so I slid and cursed my way to the car armed with my purse, my keys and a water bottle filled with warm water.  I attacked my iced over windshield with the warm water and scraper then sat in my car while it warmed up.  Finally, I put the car in reverse, took a deep breath and started to back up.  So far so good.  My car was now facing up the hill.  I took my foot off the brake... and all hell broke loose.  I started to slide.  I slowly added gas.  Not enough.  I gassed it some more.  Still sliding.  I gave it its all.  I could see the smoke from my burning rubber in my rearview mirror.  I stopped.  Put the emergency brake on and started to think about my options. 

 

That's when the nice guy came over to me and said he was going to help.  I liked him right away because he didn't ask if I needed help.  That was obvious.  He just jumped into action.  He tried pushing my car at first while I tried gassing it again.  That didn't work so he went and got sand and put it in front of and behind all of my tires.  That worked for the few feet he had put sand down and then my car wheels spun again.  But, it did get me far enough up the hill that I could safely back down the rest of the hill and go out the other way.  I was going the wrong way on a one-way street but the guy I almost had a head-on collision with was cool about it. 

 

I slowly made my way down the other side of the hill and to the freeway which was all clear.  I almost had another sliding incident on a hill in the neighborhood of the school but with very few tears and only some minor heart convulsions I made it to work safely.  I turned on my computer and checked my email.  My principal had sent us a message letting us know that we were expected to be at work as close to the regular starting time as possible.  Delays didn't apply to us.  Well, you know what?  They apply to me!  If it's safe enough for me then it's safe enough for buses.  If a bus can't make it then I'm not going to risk it either.  That's the way I roll.  Also, I put in nearly ten extra unpaid hours last week alone making sure my students get the services they need.  I don't think they want to start playing the time counting game.  Also, I'm leaving as soon as the kids are gone.  So there.

My Eye!

My eye is big and red and nasty.  Actually, not the eyeball.  Just the eyelid.  And just my left one.  It had been getting gradually worse and worse over the past few weeks and I eventually relented and went to the doctor when I woke up yesterday morning and couldn't open it at all.  I went into Urgent Care because I didn't want to wait until after Christmas for an appointment.  I kind of wanted my eye back right away.  I'm picky about that kind of thing.

The doctor looked at the thing and had a disgusted look on his face as he said, "Well, it could be a lot of things.  I don't know."  He then wrote me a prescription for some cream, told me to slab it on there twice a day and if the monster gets any bigger to see my regular physician.  Or not.  Maybe a dermatologist.  Or something.

So I went to the pharmacy and they didn't have the stuff and they asked me if I wanted to wait two days to have it shipped in.  I looked at the lady with my one eye and asked her to call around.  Somebody must have this crap.  Somebody did have that crap.  I went to the pharmacy next door, picked the junk up and bolted to the car.  It was only 11am and if I was lucky I could be back to work by 11:30.  

On the road, going 35mph while heading down a windy hill I decided now would be a good time for my first application.  I opened the tube, put a dab on my finger and gently touched it to the mountain that used to be my eye.  And it stung!!!  I mean... STUNG!  I screamed, my car swerved and through the tears in my one eye I did my best to realign my car back between the white and yellow lines.

By noon, I could open my eye a little bit.  I went to work and had a crap of a day.  Seriously.  It was pretty bad.  I almost threw my little teaching notebook down and walked out of there.  Who do they think they are, anyway??

I tried the cream again that night for my second daily application.  It didn't go much better than the first.  The only thing more disturbing than the searing pain that went through the back of my eye, into my head and down my spine was the fact that my matching screams didn't attract a single neighbor to check up on me.  Comforting.

Good news, though.  I can open my eye.  It's ugly.  But it's open.

Drinking Party

I haven't been to a party where alcohol was the main guest since... never.  I've heard about those parties.  Seen pictures of those parties.  Cleaned up after those parties.  Drove some of those partiers home and put them to bed.  But I've never actually been to one of those parties.  I wasn't in the cool crowd in high school and my college years were spent on a dry campus.

 

But I went to one of those parties on Saturday night.  With people twice my age.  On the false pretense that it was a "work" party.  They didn't intend to mislead me.  But they did.  It started at 6pm.  We were asked to bring cookies, appetizers and a white elephant gift and were told to be prepared for some karaoke madness.  We were told to bring our own alcohol if desired but that soda would be provided.  I had to work until 7 and the lady's house was 45 min away so I told them I'd be late.  I brought cookies and a white elephant gift just in case but I figured I'd probably miss the cookie and gift exchange.  But I'd still get to see some old friends before everybody headed out for the night.  So the trip would be worth it.

 

It was.  It was really worth it. 

 

When I walked in, I recognized only one face... the face of our hostess.  She said the others would be coming in a bit.  I waited.  And waited.  The 6 or 7 guests drank and drank and the karaoke performances got more and more entertaining.  Still I waited.  Finally one face I knew showed up.  Then hours later 3 more.  By this time people were falling down, story lines sounded like something out of Alice's Wonderland and the beverages were running low.

 

We finally exchanged gifts and cookies which I had to heavily help facilitate because they couldn't remember the rules but were adament about playing.  The neighbor was half carried home and put in bed only to pop back in ten minutes later forgetting why she had gone home.  One guy outed his buddy to his fiance about his allegid marijuana use which turned out to be the highlight of my night besides the times the same guy shoved a mic in my face saying, "Wanna sing?  Sing!  Come on!  No?!  Alright then!" and then, before I could respond, went on to sing a song from The King and I.

 

Getting to know you... gettig to know all about you...

 

Brilliant.

XY Mishap

At Claim Jumper last night I found myself in the wrong restroom.  I swear to you that I looked at the signs first.  I walked in and the tiles were blue and there were urinals lining the wall.  I stood there for a second while it all sunk in.  When I left the restroom to rectify my mistake there were two men staring at me.  Apparently they had watched me go in and were waiting for me to realize my mistake before they entered.  They got a good laugh.

If only it didn't happy so often...

Wayne's Elf Dance

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Saturday at Southcenter

I was at the mall last night during the whole crazy ordeal.  I left the food court minutes before the gunfire.  Talk about your scary moments!

Brag

I don't have a whole lot to brag about.  I'm 27 and already an old schoolmarm.  I spent Monday night playing musical chairs and breaking a pinata with singles obviously much younger than myself.  I... am not awesome.

But... my nephew is.  So just let me brag for a minute and pretend that I have anything to do with my nephew's awesomeness. 

As you can see, he's smiling now.  A lot actually.  And he can almost laugh.  Right now it's more of quick intakes of breath in fast succession.

Most things amuse him.  A tickle, his Mariner Moose mobile, my face.  He also finds himself very handsome and stares at himself in the mirror and smiles.

Between the hours of 6 and 8 pm he kind of loses his cool.  We're not sure why but he becomes very grumpy every night right on schedule. Nothing amuses him then.  Except for water.  He loves the water.  As soon as he's placed in the bath he's back to cooing happily and kicking his feet as if he were born to swim.  Maybe he was.

Also, B hates traffic and unapologetically slow baristas.  Just like his Auntie Em.  He hates it so much he screams.  Just like his Auntie Em wishes she could.  But when I hold him and tell him that I understand (because I do) he calms down and smiles again.  And it makes my heart happy.

Tagged

I was double tagged by Andrea and Michelle.

Here are the rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you.

2. Mention the rules on your blog.

3. Tell about six quirks you have.

4. Tag six fellow bloggers to do the same.

5. Leave a comment to let them know.

Quirk #1

I don't sleep well with socks on.  If my feet are cold I'll wrap them in a throw blanket under the covers so it's easier to kick off the extra layers if they get hot.  I sleep better with a hoodie with the hood up.

Quirk #2

I have an unnatural obsession over Disney movies, Disney characters and Disneyland.  I am a toddler.

Quirk #3

I love Mexican food more than any other food.  The margin is large.  Without exaggerating, 7 out of 10 meals would be considered "Mexican" meaning the main ingredients are salsa, beans (refried or black), tortilla and hot sauce.

Quirk #4

I love chocolate.  I love fruit.  But I feel strongly about them not touching.

Quirk #5

I like the smell of cigarette smoke (most brands... also cigars).  It's a good thing I never tried it.

Quirk #6

I don't dance in public.  But I do dance.  A lot more actually now that I live alone.  I'm also a big fan of the car dance.

I tag Heather (you'll have to do it for Andrea anyway!), Sarah (you'll have to do it for Michelle anyway!), Kat, Ann-Marie, Leah and Lisa.

Ozzie!!!!

It occurred to me yesterday that I may have the goods to be Sharon Osbourne for Halloween.

I bought this wig a few weeks ago just because I can't leave Walmart without buying at least one random, completely useless item. But right in the middle of one of my math lessons yesterday it occurred to me that Sharon Osbourne had hair just like that for a while. Think I can pull it off?

She has those annoying little Pomeranians but my dogs are small enough to take the part.

Too bad my students won't have any clue as to who I'm portraying. But the other teachers might appreciate it.

Ozzie!!!!

Stink

Since I have moved into my condo I have tried to give my dogs a bit more freedom while I'm away at work. I got a kiddie gate so I could block them into the kitchen. They had it good in there. Blankets, food, toys, beds, water, snacks. But it wasn't good enough for Chalupa. She, somehow, miraculously jumped the gate both times. I'm still not sure how a dog with legs only a few inches long could jump a gate that high or how Taquito with much longer legs didn't dare attempt it. But since Chalupa got out and spent her days free in the condo and nothing horrible happened I figured I might as well let them both roam free today. They sleep most of the day anyway... what could they do?

They didn't do much. But two minds are apparently more devious than one because they busted through a bag of goodies (that was supposed to be puppy proof) and ate them. All of them. Not too big of a deal since they left everything else alone. Except their binge has one very negative side effect. They have successfully gassed me out of my own home.

Hide and Seek

We had our first earthquake drill today. I have been asked to be a part of the Search and Rescue Team for our school. I feel a little bit honored because nobody asks me to do anything brave. Ever.

Ex. #1 - As a fake cop one summer our squad leader guy (who had been rejected for the Police Academy at least four times because he was too fat) was showing the new squad members some self defense moves. I stopped him to ask a clarifying question and he stopped for a moment before saying, "Oh... not you, Hansen. You just run like hell!" Imagine the confidence boost!

Ex. #2 - At the middle school each adult had a task during an emergency. There was the Search and Rescue Team, the nurse tent, the parent mediators, the Fire Dept Rep, etc. Me? I was in charge of the morgue.

Ex. #3 - At the same middle school, our whole crisis intervention team was going through crisis intervention training. (Imagine!) What this entails, really, are non-violent skills that can help an aggressive or violent student calm down or, if needed, be physically restrained. We had to practice our new moves. We all rotated between being the kid freaking out and being one of the adults. I was the kid freaking out every single time because my principal told the rest of the team that under no condition was I to be called to help restrain a child. She looked at me as if it would be the death of me and made every other person promise never to ask me to do anything. The others nodded as if this could have been left as an unstated understanding. It was so obvious!

So imagine my delight when they asked me to be part of the Search and Rescue team. Because, really, I can be pretty awesome in an emergency. When it's over... I'll puke and be worthless. But right in the middle of an emergency I'm on top of things.

Today I got to practice. I collected the cards from teachers that say who's missing. Almost every card had a name. The Search and Rescue team went in to look for them. I was just wandering because this is practice. Nobody's really in the building. But the others... they were running into rooms, using flashlights, rushing about looking in closets. So I asked my partner what was up and she said, "We're rescuing the kids on our cards." But not really, right? I mean... they're all outside? "No, they're in here somewhere. We need to find them." What? Seriously? Like they were all in the bathroom or something? Because they're probably outside by now. "No, I mean... they're all in here... on purpose... so we can practice finding them. They're all together somewhere. Supervised, of course." So... we're playing hide and seek right now? "Uh... yeah."

I heard a yell, "They're in here!" This was followed by a deep sigh of relief as all the rescuers ran to... my classroom! Here there were at least 20 kids that we "rescued" today. They were coloring while the rest of the student body froze outside while we played hide and seek inside.

In all, our earthquake drill lasted over an hour. For hide and seek.

10,000 strong and growing

Today this little blog got its 10,000th hit. Pretty awesome! I mean it's been around since 2003. But still. 10,000 is a lot. And I didn't get that counter until year 2 or 3. I think. Also, probably half of them were me. But whatever. Still. 10,000. Awesome! Jealous?!

Reclaiming the Inbox

Yesterday I achieved something great. I cleaned out my email inbox. This is awesome considering I had almost 10,000 unread messages. I went through and took my email address off of mailing lists (some of them make it hard!) and deleted everything else. I went though almost a year of backlogged crap. Usually, when it gets that bad, I give up and start a new email address and leave the old one to be devoured by the Spam Wolves. But this time I fought back. They don't own me! I wrote a nasty note to Viagra. I told MyPoints to take a hike. I asked Victoria's Secret who she thought she was kidding. And I let every real estate agency know that my quest was over and to focus on somebody else. So, now... my inbox is empty.

Empty.

It turns out it's not as appealing as I thought it would be.

Fix It!

I'm having a bad day today. I just feel crummy and kind of sad. My stomach is really bothering me because I ran out of my pills about a week ago. And a lot of my kids are copping attitude I just can't get behind. This makes me cranky. Also, we're to the point already that I don't get to see the sun any more.

Mid crankiness, when the kids in my group just wouldn't shut up while I was correcting one of the papers for a kid to fix I said, "FIX IT!"

The kids all stopped, checking to see if I was kidding. One of them cracked a big ol' smile and started quoting the SNL skit I was referring to.

He's my new favorite.

Empire Records

I have been working for a large bookstore chain since the first of July. I figured a summer job would be a good idea to help me in my endeavor to get some extra cash during the whole obtaining a condo experience. I chose a book store because that's where most of my money goes anyway and because I was hoping it would be something like being in the movie "Empire Records." But... IT IS!

I decided to keep the job. I work most Saturdays. Every week is an adventure. Customers can be entertaining and sometimes all too disturbing but it's the employees that leave me feeling the need to scour my old psychology text books looking for answers.

Ever since they found out I was 27, I have turned into a sort of mom for them. This is terrifying to me. Even more terrifying was the immediate level of comfort they have when it comes to sharing intimate details about their lives. The other day one of them randomly showed me her bra. Just to show me. Because it was new.

Which leads me to three weeks ago when a woman at my elementary school asked me if I offended easily. I said I didn't. And then she flashed me. To show me her new bra. That was winking at me.

So maybe my question here (if I had one) wouldn't be what is it about people that makes them feel comfortable enough around me to show off their underwear but what is it about me that says to people, "I'm okay with whatever."

Because I'm not. I'm not okay with whatever.

I just work here!

Victory!

I get that a lot of you won't understand how deep I'm feeling this but work with me. This evening I moved into my condo!

I bought this thing in July and as I've mentioned in previous posts it's been a hellish monster. But the bedroom is finally pretty and ready for furniture which is coming on Friday and it's finally ready for people to safely enter.

My parents have been kind enough to let me crash at their place since school let out in June and I realize the hugeness of this so please don't think I'm a horrible person when I say how happy I am to finally be out of there! "When are you coming home?" "Where are you going?" "What are you eating?" "Will you make me a sandwich, too?" "Who are you talking to?" "What do they want?" "Do you like them?" "Do you really think that's a good idea?" "Do you have gas in your tank?" "How much?" "Do you really think it's wise to drive on less than half a tank?" "How about you fill up your tank right now?" "How about you pay for lunch?" "Why don't you want me to come?" "Why do you need alone time?" "Is your alone time over?" "Is it over now?" "How about now?" "You don't have to be so grumpy about it!"

They were killing me!!

But now I'm free! Free to pack whatever I want for lunch. Free to make dinner for just myself. Free to take as long as I want in the shower. Free to watch whatever I want on TV. Free to go uninterrupted for more than two minutes. Free to write a blasted email without somebody breathing over my shoulder. Free to walk out the front door without being interrogated. Free! Free! Free!!!

In my condo... which I love... wholeheartedly... despite its flaws and outdated fixtures. Because the cigarette carpets only smell like independence to me. Sweet independence...

Victory!

Good Point
 
Sarah brought up a good point.  I neglected to brag about my new nephew in my make-up post.  So here it goes...
 
My new nephew, Brayden Lee Cretin, was born a little over a month ago on Sept. 3rd.  He's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen!  He weighed only 5 lbs 3 oz when he was born but he was very healthy and is doing great!
 
At a month old, he's not talking or doing backflips or anything yet but I am whole heartedly convinced that he's a genius.  He's holding his head up already and has quite a grip on things that are important to him (food mostly).  Also, he makes the Zoolander face all the time.  So at least he'll have a modeling career in his future if nothing else.
 
His dad reads to him every day out of the Thunderbirds stat book and so far he hasn't missed a Seahawks game so he's learning all the players and a few choice words (the season's not going well, kids!) from the audience.  He attended about five Mariners games in the womb and watched them lose their 100th game this season so he'll be a true fan because he's already seen them at their worst.  This means I'll always have a little companion when it comes to rooting for my favorite teams.
 
He dresses really well.  I understand that he doesn't have a say in this yet.  But that doesn't make him less of a good dresser.  It just makes him awesome.  And don't worry, I bought him Mickey Mouse ears while I was in Disneyland.  I'll be sure to take pictures.
 
Another thing about this kid, he's really mellow.  He has a "chill" way of life that I can really get behind.  Even when my sister's huge German Shepard/Ikita mix dog gets in his grill and sneaks a lick in, he's chill.  I like that about him.
 
 
 
Condo Update
I didn't have to work at all this weekend so I got to work on my condo.  Julie came over on Saturday and helped me add texture to my walls to make them all look the same and to make it look purposeful instead of the wonderful disaster it was before.  Yesterday when the mud was dry I went back and put on two coats of primer to even out the color and almost attempted to fix some electrical wiring myself before my mom stopped me and told me to wait for somebody that knew how to do it.  I felt okay about that because there were a lot of wires and they were all different colors back there.  I don't think I'm ready for that yet.  Today after work I'll go back again and paint it yellow.  I'm nervous now, though, that I made a bad color choice.  The yellow in my closet looks awesome but I'm concerned it will be too bright for my bedroom.  Maybe I should have gone with a light blue or lavendar.  I don't know.  On the other hand I really don't care.  I'd paint it black if it meant I got to move in there tomorrow.  So... yellow it is!

Making Up With the Blogging Universe

So it's been about a century since I've posted. In my attempt to make up for my neglect I am telling you everything. Everything...

Juice Squeeze
I have this new fondness for Odwalla meaning that I'm convinced now that I can't live without it. It tastes the way fruit is supposed to and has all the vitamins that would be in the pill I can't swallow. It's usually 90% or more real juice or puree so it's healthy (although not low calorie) and when I drink one in the morning I don't get hungry until I'm supposed to at noon. Odwalla makes me happy. Except... I might have to start selling organs to afford it. I only ever buy them on sale which is usually 2 for $6 at my local Safeway. If I drank one every day like I want to, I'd be spending $90/mo. And if I decided that only work days justify the goodness, I'm still shelling out $60/mo. At least there's no tax on food in WA. But still, I'm going to have to tone it down. I canceled my extended cable and that bill was less than my juice bill. Sigh...

Halloween Heartache
I love Halloween. Pretty much everything about it. I have a problem, though, because I can never decide what I want to be. The first week of the month I happily think of what I could be for Halloween and decorate my apt/condo with monsters, ghosts and witches. And then, around the middle of the month when I still haven't made a costume decision, I decide it doesn't matter anyway because I have nowhere to go that would require a costume anyway. Then, about the third week, I buy a costume (for my dog) along with tons of Halloween candy "for my dad when he takes the dogs out" and start watching my Halloween movies and devouring what my dad has left behind of the chocolate. By Halloween night when everybody I know (and by that I mean everybody I might recognize if I ran into them at the grocery store) went to the lame single's ward dance, I stay at home in my Halloween pajamas holding a bowl full of wrappers waiting for the single trick-or-treater that comes across my door. "What are you supposed to be?"
"Just take your candy!"

Camping Catastrophe
I have been camping at my parents' house since June. June! Do you realize that it's now October? I bought a condo in July. All of my stuff is there and I've spent countless hours in it trying to make it habitable. But it's not quite there. But tomorrow, so help me, I'm moving into that dump with or without the threat of harmful chemical exposure! Here's the story, kids. Although there are several things I hoped to change about my new purchase (replacing the permanent cigarette smoke they called a carpet, putting in new counter tops and kitchen floor, changing the bathroom fixtures...) the one thing I really couldn't tolerate was the HUGE mirror in the bedroom. It covered almost all of the largest wall. It was creepy and would possibly prove fatal in an earthquake. So, my friend Julie came over with her handy crow bar and knocked it down. This exposed some major problems. You see, whatever moron decided a huge mirror would be a good idea, also thought it was necessary to take a hammer and make tons of holes all over the wall. Maybe they planned to fill the holes with glue to hold the mirror on. But they weren't filled with glue. No, the glue was this black cement which they threw on OVER THE WALLPAPER! Wallpaper... it was still everywhere even though the idiot that lived there before me had just painted the room a nasty green color. And I'm using the word "painted" lightly because there were streaks on the ceiling, the carpet and he even painted over the top part of the blinds and all over the doors!! Yes, he painted over the wallpaper... on half of the bedroom. On the other half of the bedroom he had apparently ripped off the wallpaper but left the glue on the wall and painted over the glue. I have tried several different types of chemicals but only one of them took the glue-paint mixture off the dry wall. Unfortunately, it also took off the dry wall. So now I'm left with two choices. I can replace the dry wall or cover that crap up with some texture. I'm going with B because I'm not a millionaire. So all this evening and Saturday will be spent with some drywall texture crap (I'll have to wear goggles and a face mask because apparently it causes cancer) and paint. But by Saturday night... I'll have a bedroom!!! A beautiful bedroom! Well, at least not a hideously ugly bedroom.

DISNEYLAND!
My Heather turned 30 and to celebrate a bunch of us made a trip to the happiest place on earth. I got from it a break from my new stressful job, an opportunity to see some people I love, a visit with the sun that I'm going to miss so much this winter, a few new friends that didn't throw me overboard on the Pirates ride, about a dozen trips on the Tower of Terror's elevator and a new fondness for pineapple whips. I laughed more than I have laughed in years. Literally. And still, random giggles and smiles escape me when I suddenly remember something somebody said or did on the trip. "Guys, slow down. I can't make the minimum height requirement on my knees!" We witnessed a lot of birthday miracles with our awesome VIP passes, a camera recovery, extra rides on Thunder Mountain and vendors selling Coke as far as the eye could see. Why can't I live there?!

Gym
I'll be joining a gym today. I'm nervous because the last time I had dealings with a gym it did not end well because when the Devil has your credit card number and your phone number your life is over. When I tried to cancel my membership the guy called me over and over telling me how fat I was and how I would end up single without any friends unless I kept my membership. This is the same guy that had signed me up months earlier and had a freaking bear costume for a body. He was the hairiest person I'd ever met. I could see hair poking out between the threads of his gym pants and he had a 5 0'clock shadow on his exposed chest and it was only noon. Shudder.

Stalker
He was an Asian man probably in his mid 40's. He sat next to me while I waited for my plane to Seattle and watched me as I read. Just watched me. While I read. For two hours. Every half hour or so he'd poke me and make a comment or ask a question I didn't quite understand. I'd give an awkward smile and then go back to reading. While he watched. I loaded the plane with the first group and found a spot near a window. He loaded the plane with the second group and since everybody else mistook my pleading eyes of desperation as creepiness and left me to myself, there was a spot available for my stalker to have a seat next to me. Which he did. The plane ride went pretty much the same way waiting for the plane did. He watched me read and poked me every now and again. "Are you an American?"
"Yes."
"Are you married?"
"Yes."
At this he finally settled in and went to sleep.
Then he followed me to baggage claim. Not that you can really call it following when his bags are located at the same place mine are. But did he have to walk so close? I grabbed my bag and called my dad who was waiting in the cell phone lot. He said he'd be right there. But my dad is slow. Stalker guy came out and stood by me for a while. Then poked me and asked if I had a ride while pointing to his waiting car. Yes, I do have a ride. Good day, sir!!!

Freudian Slips

Last week I was at the M's game with my dad, brother and my brother's friend. I brought some snacks and was eating some Nerds. (Well, more sorting than eating really... it was a slow game.) My dad turned to me and said, "I'll have some of those turds."

"I don't have any turds on hand but if you'd like some Nerds I can hook you up with a hand full."







Then a few days later, my mom let me know that she had made some mint brownies. "They even came with those little Anus chunks."

"What?!?!"

"You know, those little mint rectangles."

"You mean Andes??"

"Oh... yeah... I guess I forgot the d."

"Amongst other things..."






Also, a woman I work with looks almost exactly like Linda from The Wedding Singer. You know, Robbie's ex-fiance that left him at the alter. She even dresses like her. More to follow...

Pumpkin Butter

I went to Home Depot. Because I own a condo now and I get to paint my bedroom any color I want! So for the second time, tonight I contemplated the possibilities. I finally decided on a subtle yellow. But which one? Sunflower? Ribbon Yellow? Mellow Yellow? Lemon Sorbet? Sunshine? Bicycle Yellow? They all pretty much looked the same. But I knew that as soon as I got home and started throwing it on my wall that suddenly my decision to go with Ribbon Yellow might be a tragic mistake. As I waited for my paint to mix, two men came to pick up their orders. One a large, gruff, white man with a beer belly and the other a slight, younger, Hispanic guy wearing a painter's uniform. The beer belly guy (BBG) noticed that a can of paint was missing from his order.

"Excuse me, but I'm missing my can of Pumpkin Butter."

The painter shaker guy (PSG) looked around and realized that he most likely gave it to the other painter uniform guy (PUG).

"I'm sorry! I think I gave it to the other customer there. Sir?! Did I give you a can of Pumpkin Butter?"

"Yes, you did. I ordered Pumpkin Butter as well."

BBG walked over to examine PUG's large order. "How many cans of it do you have?"

"Five. I ordered five cans of Pumpkin Butter."

"Huh..."

PSG looked around some more for the lost can of paint while BBG and PUG started a manly conversation. "Oh, I see you also purchased Lemon Zest and Organic Orange. Are those your accent colors? I was thinking about getting Pineapple Soda but maybe Lemon Zest would be better. What do you think?"

"Oh, I think what you have there is going to look great!"

It was at this point that PSG realized the missing can of Pumpkin Butter was still in the shaker. He pulled it out, plopped it on the counter and slid it over to the waiting customer. BBG and PUG shook hands and walked away using their best manly walks... carrying their Pumpkin Butter, Pineapple Soda, Lemon Zest and Organic Orange paint.

The color names seemed kind of cute on paper but sounded ridiculously wonderful coming out the mouths of grown men.

Changes

This summer I will be...

Moving out of my awesome down-town apartment into a maybe-semi-awesome condo which I will be (fingers crossed) purchasing soon.

Switching school districts, moving from my middle-school position that I love most days to an elementary position further north that I also hope to love most days.

Gaining a nephew.

Enrolling in some enrichment type courses at a local college.

Getting a summer job.

Visiting my friends in Utah because I can hardly stand how much I miss them!

I'm in love

I'm in love with Brett Dennen. His new CD has been on repeat in my car since Saturday. I use the term CD loosely because I actually bought his new album on iTunes and downloaded it onto my iPod and plugged my iPod into my car... but you get the idea... it's 2008.

I'm Not Sorry

Dear Madam,

I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry for anything. OK, that's a lie. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I pretended like everything was okay when I ran into you in the parking lot. I gave you a hug and made small talk and smiled. I went home with a sick feeling in my stomach. I couldn't keep anything down for hours. I'm sorry about that. But my apology doesn't go to you... it goes to me. I'm sorry to me that I still find it so necessary for everybody to like me that I let people treat me poorly and then go out of my way to make sure they don't feel any discomfort in my presence. I should have made you feel uncomfortable the way you made me feel uncomfortable. Because I'm not the one that did anything wrong. In fact, I went out of my way to give you every opportunity to make it right. You purposely and pointedly hurt my feelings for trying to do something nice for somebody else, even making me cry and then coldly telling my I was going against the family's wishes... a family I had spent lots of time (hours upon hours) with just recently (did I see you there?... no.) and talked to them and asked them how to help. You spread rumors about me (yes... I hear things too). And then, I sent you an email. A disgusting email where I complimented you, gave you details, confided. And you ignored it. You ignored me. You purposely avoided me at the funeral then again at the shower. Well... guess what? I've been avoiding you for years! Ever since that day at La Fuentes when my other young friends and I invited you along with us during a break. We were all on our way there and remembered the last time we were there with you and how fun you were. We called you up and you came to meet us. Remember? We ate and laughed and had a great time... until the check came. As we all reached for our wallets, you reached for yours too and said, "I suppose this is the reason you invited me... so I could pay!" And slammed down your plastic as the waiter took it away. We sat stunned. Maybe you thought it was guilt, but it was anger. We didn't know what to say so none of us said anything... until you left. We all knew why we had invited you and it hadn't included money. We ate there regularly and knew how to pay a bill. But we all decided we couldn't invite you anywhere any more because we knew you'd always assume we wanted you to pay. We didn't want your money, we just wanted our friend. But being in your presence reminded us that you thought so little of us. We were your girls... how could you think so little of us? We still wonder about it when we get together. Where we went wrong, what we did to make you think that. But now I don't have to wonder any more. Because I didn't do anything wrong. You did. You changed. Maybe money is such a huge part of your own self-worth that you put it on other people. Maybe money is so important to you that you think it's important to everybody. But still I tried. I wanted you to like me still. I wanted your approval. But I don't care any more. I don't need a friend that thinks so little of me, makes me cry and offers no apology, avoids me and treats me bad. I don't need you any more. And I'm not sorry.

Sincerely not yours,

Emily

I have allergies

And Claritin is an expensive friend.

Fried Worms

Last Friday, I got some bad news. A family friend had been murdered the night before. That was sad. And disturbing. On the same night I learned that my mom was having a particular complication as well. A litigation has been sparked. That makes me nervous. Later that same night, one of the security guards that patrols the docks where I live hit on me. And not in a smooth, cute way. In a creepy-now-I'm-scared-to-walk-the-dock kind of way. On Tuesday during lunch, I learned that my friend died in his sleep. I thought I would be okay. I wasn't. They made me go home and I drove to Renton. That night Taquito woke me up at 4:30 am puking. That was gross. On Wednesday after work while walking my dogs and scooping up the doodie, what was left of Taquito's flu made me dry heave as I bagged it and then Chalupa's doodie was wriggling. I hung up with my mom and called the vet which warranted yet another drive up to Renton. $145 later Chalupa was tapeworm free. And I just had to laugh because why wouldn't my dog's poop move on a week like this?

Also, I have two cavities.

The Big Surprise

My sister is pregnant!

Yay!!

I'm going to by an Auntie!!

Yippee!!

Baby will be arriving mid-September.

This makes me so very happy because my sister has been struggling. She's had two miscarriages and she was beginning to think it wasn't going to happen for her. But yesterday she went in for yet another ultrasound and the baby looks healthy and she's past that first scary trimester. Now I can finally admit to her that I have practically bought out the whole baby section of a half dozen stores...

A Long Time Gone

So... it's been a while since I've posted. I'm not too busy to post. I have great internet connection. And things do happen to me that might be worth posting about. But I'm lazy and I always want to post pictures with my posts and I can't right now because I lost my connection cord during Christmas break. I need to buy a new one because I got a new puppy that's really cute. I guess she's not really a puppy. The vet guessed her to be about a year and a half old... older than Taquito... but I consider them both puppies because they're young and small and cute. Chalupa is awesome. And Taquito graduated from his Advanced Class at Petsmart so he's a total genius. Also, a lot of crazy things have happened at work that I could write about if I changed a bunch of names and details so I wouldn't get fired by a random googler. I also have another announcement to share but I'm sworn to secrecy for another week or two so watch for that. I also got a Magic Bullet as a surprise from my mother for my birthday. I finally started using it a couple of weeks ago and have fallen in love with making my own Jamba Juices. It makes me happy.

Football Nightmare

I had a nightmare last night that I missed the Seahawks vs Packers game (the first scary thing) because I was shopping with my sister and brother-in-law. When I realized the time and that I had missed the game, my brother-in-law told me that the Seahawks lost 14-17. In the last 5 min of the game, Hasselbeck had thrown an interception and Green Bay ran it in for a touchdown.

I realize that dreaming about football makes me a true fan... which is strange to say the least. Especially since I woke up from this nightmare sweating and checking my calendar praying it wasn't so. And it wasn't.

And it won't be.